So THANKFUL for Recovery!!

It is so interesting and eerie to think back on the past 20 months of my life.  It's weird to have blocks of time in those months that I don't recall at all.  I know that we all have times that we don't remember things, but this is different...trust me.

So last month I sat down and ate dinner with a friend.  During our meal we began discussing how our lives had changed and we reflected on where we used to be.  My friend brought up an instance regarding my struggle with PPD.  She said that she and I met for lunch one day when I was on maternity leave.  I showed up looking a complete mess!  She continued the story stating that I had told her that I was very tired and I was not sleeping well at all.  She asked where my son was and I responded that he was spending the night with my parents.  This caught her off-guard because she didn't think that I would allow him to go anywhere, and especially not allow him to stay overnight somewhere, with him being so young.  My friend explained that I told her about my struggles with my son having his nights and days confused.  She could sense that something was wrong.  She said that she very gently approached the subject of PPD.  My friend said that I was very defensive and that I told her that my doctor had said that it was just the baby blues and that I was just fine.  She said that she tried to talk about it with me a little bit more because she was concerned, but I responded with complete denial and kept saying that there was no way I had PPD and that everything was normal.  As my friend shared her memory of that day with me, I sat in complete shock!  I had no recollection of this taking place at all.  I asked her when it was and where we ate lunch.  She shared the details.  I thought very hard, but still I could not recall the moment at all.  I joked with her for a little while stating that she was just teasing me and that this never really happened, but she continued to say that it did.  She said she was really worried about me because I didn't look like or act like myself.

Although this wasn't any big incident, it is still crazy to me that I don't remember this at all.  I don't remember arguing that I was fine and that I didn't have PPD.  There have been several other things that my husband has mentioned or other friends have mentioned and I have no recollection of them.  There are other "memories" that are starting to come back.  It's like something happens and then all of a sudden a memory comes back and I just stare in disbelief like "Wow, that really did happen, how could I have forgotten that?" 

As I am on my way to recovery, most of the time when these "flashbacks" hit me, I just sit amazed.  I'm amazed that God brought me so far.  In the midst of the worst of my depression, I was having thoughts of leaving for good and ending my life.  I felt that I had no hope to live another day.  I felt so sad, flat, and like I was going through time completely numb.  Today, I live each day happy that God has turned things around.  I get excited about spending time with my son.  I am happy to have time together as a family and I am so THANKFUL that God has brought me through to the other side of this storm I was stuck in.

This Thanksgiving, try your best to spend time with family and friends, even if you don't feel like it.  Secluding yourself and being alone with your thoughts will not help your depression at all.  When you are left alone just with your thoughts, it's easy to make yourself believe some crazy things.  Surround yourself with the people that love you.  You don't have to talk much.  You don't have to wear a smile on your face.  You don't even have to fake that everything is okay.  Just be there, in the moment, surrounded by the people who love you and just take it all in.  Maybe, just maybe, their joy and laughter will suck you in and you can forget about the pain and loneliness you feel on the inside.  In these moments, God can begin to heal you.  He can remind you that there is HOPE for tomorrow, and He can remind you that you are LOVED and you are NOT ALONE.

Happy Thanksgiving!  :-)

Don't let the Holidays d-r-a-g you Down!

As I reminisce about previous holidays, I find myself remembering the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Because the holidays can bring all sorts of memories back, it is important to prepare yourself for the holiday season if you find yourself sinking back into depression or worried that you may get sucked back in.  As a Christian, I know that Jesus has created me to be an overcomer.  I know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.  I know that with God all things are possible.  Now, with that said, there is nothing wrong with preparing yourself for a time of year that you typically find yourself wandering back to that dark place. 

Below are some tips that I discovered at http://www.cbn.com/health/emotionalwellness/rebeltaylor_holidaydepression.aspx

Tips on Overcoming Holiday Depression

Make realistic plans – Don’t stress in attempting to create the Norman Rockwell holiday – a relaxed, cozy Thanksgiving or Christmas with family and friends will create memories for a lifetime. Take time for each of you to share something you are thankful for. Read the Christmas story and talk about the greatest Gift ever given.

Extended families – Plan and schedule visits in advance, communicate openly about expectations, and work together to set a schedule you can all agree on. Create an atmosphere of love and grace for your child.

Negative or sad memories associated with the holidays – First, acknowledge how you feel. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Sit down and allow yourself a little time to face and express your feelings and emotions, confess them to God, and allow Him to cover you in His grace and mercy. Create a new memory by planning something different and even unexpected.

Singles or Single again – Don’t dread sitting at home alone. Take the initiative and invite others to join you, or ask to join a family for the day. Again, it’s okay to admit you feel lonely or sad, but don’t stay there. Grab a friend and do the unexpected.

Take the focus off of you – Volunteer to serve others at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. We all feel better when we help others, and showing the love of Christ to those less fortunate is a wonderful gift.

 Plan – Have a shopping plan or cooking schedule. List similar gifts together and group by stores. Allot yourself a realistic time frame to accomplish each task. Wandering mindlessly from store to store is exhausting and a waste of time. Schedule your time to purchase your groceries and cook beforehand to make your time productive.

Learn to say NO – You don’t have to say yes to every project, party, or activity. WE make the holidays about doing, NOT God!

TLC – Take a little time each day for yourself and do something you truly enjoy. Sit and rest in the presence of the Father. Let Him refresh and renew you.

If you find that you are unable to work through the feelings of sadness or depression, seek prayer from a trusted friend, consult your physician, or go to your pastor for guidance and help.

The holidays are to be a time of joy, peace, and good-will; taking the time to set realistic expectations and re-focusing our attention on the Creator of the holiday is a good start!

These are just a few of the ways that you can prepare yourself for the upcoming holidays.  I think it is very important to open up to someone you trust about how you are feeling.  If you don't talk to someone, it's easy to retract back into that dark place and to start feeling like no one understands.  Once I get to this point, I don't feel like being around anyone and I just want the holidays to pass without being noticed!  This is NOT how God intended for our lives to be.  He wants us to enjoy the holidays by showing love to one another and by celebrating the birth of his one and only Son.  God wants us to be a LIGHT to others and that is one very difficult thing to do if you are closed off in the dark with no one around! 

Make a choice this holiday season to stay mentally healthy.  Don't over-book yourself by saying you will be in three places at one time.  Don't volunteer to make every dish you are a master at.  Don't freak yourself out by starting to feel sad and then being over critical of yourself.  Do call up a good friend or family member and share your heart.  Be transparent and ask for help if you need it.  Do find ways to show love and kindness to others without exhausting yourself.  If needed, take some time alone and shed a healthy tear or two, but do not dwell in the feelings of sadness...move on. 

I pray that all of my friends and family will have a Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas!  I hope that this holiday season finds you full of joy and sharing the love of Christ.  REMEMBER...this moment of sadness or depression will NOT last forever, things will change!!

Here is a little Christmas joy that I wanted to spread!  :-)

http://youtu.be/0hYxYxAXTKo

From Darkness To Light...a poem by Andrea

It's all so consuming and darkness prevails.

Life is unexpected and leads us down scary trails.

When blinded when walking it's hard to choose.

Which way do I go?  Which way will I lose?

As the days turn into months, I think things will improve.

It's weird to me that somehow nothing seems to soothe.

I call out to Jesus as I've been taught to do,

only, He doesn't answer me, and I feel like a fool.

Can darkness get darker?  It sure feels like it can.

Where is this Son I've called on?  Does He really understand?

He said He'd never leave me, but what do you call this?

I feel like He doesn't care and that I'm dead last on His list.

I get hit over and over again.

I get hit and feel like I can't stand.

The blows get harder and seem like they won't end.

Where have I gone?  Who is this?  It seems like a dead-end.

Just when I last expected, the Lord showed up and won!

Who was that girl--the one who doubted--who thought it was all done?

He was there all of the time regardless of what I saw.

He was there answering me every time I called.

"Don't give up now!" He whispered, "Things have just begun."

"Keep on pressing!  Keep on standing!  The battle is already won!"

"One day this will be over, and a memory is all you will have."

"One day this will be over and you'll rejoice and be glad."

"You'll see the bigger picture, how I molded you through this time."

"Your life will change, your heart will mend, and in Me you will reside."

"Keep praising girl, keep praising!  This storm will pass you'll see."

"Draw near unto Me, and I'll do the same, it's done quite simply."

So when you're in that valley, the one that is lonely and hard,

keep holding on to Jesus, and please let down your guard.

Allow Him to hold you close.  Allow Him to wipe your tears.

Allow Him to guide you even when everything seems unclear.

He knows what He is doing.  He knows what you can take.

He knows the outcome.  He's doing it for your own sake.

When all is said and done, and life has moved on,

you'll look back through this all, and thank God you were actually number one.

Thank you Lord for healing me.  Thank you Lord for your grace.

Thank you for keeping me strong through your Almighty embrace.

Now the sky is sunny, the darkness has fallen away.

Can the light get lighter?  It seems like it more each day.

By: Andrea Williams 

When You're SO Mad that You Become Mad at GOD...

I've never felt so much anger and sadness in my life.  I couldn't understand why I had to go through all of this.  WHY did I have to be the one to have PPD?  WHY did I have to endure horrible thoughts that caused guilt in my life?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  These questions went through my head at least daily.  I hated the fact that anytime I would think back to when Seth was first born, my memories were horrible.  I despised the question, "So, how is the baby sleeping?" and even more so, "Do you think you will have any more kids?"  I know people didn't intend to hurt me at all with those questions, but WOW, they would stir me up!  As time passed, I thought things would get easier.  They did in a sense--the depression started to lift and I started to feel better, but as the depression started to lift, my anger started to BOIL.  I started to look around me and see all of these women with their children.  I saw the smiles on their faces and the happy stories they would tell.  I heard them say how much they loved being a mom.  I would smile, but on the inside I wanted to scream.  I thought, "Really God?  REALLY?  Are you just trying to rub this in my face or what?  Can't you see that I'm struggling??  You said you would never leave me nor forsake me, but right now I feel like you are nowhere to be found!"  I had these thoughts over and over and they just kept building up. 

After awhile I became somewhat cynical about everything.  As people would tell me that God would help me through, I started to get a little sarcastic.  I would sing songs of praise, but on the inside I was questioning everything I was singing.  I was SO angry!  I started to get caught up in why God allows things to happen.  I thought about how God is in complete control, and since that is the case, He could have kept all of this from happening to me, but He chose not to.  I started to feel worthless and unloved.  God could have covered me with His protection and none of this would have happened.  I thought, "Why God?  Why would you allow this?  What have I done that would cause You to want me to go through this?  I have lived for you!  I have tried my best to follow your Word and to be the woman of God that you have called me to be, and this is how I am REPAID?!"  Just typing that brings all of those feelings back.  I felt helpless and I felt abandoned by God.  I would love to say that it only lasted for a day and then things were great, but that's not how it was.  I went through this valley for several months.  I continued to go to church.  I continued to go through the motions.  I continued to listen to my Pastor preach on faith, healing, victory, and everything I could have possibly needed to break through this craziness in my life, but I would leave and the dark cloud would continue to hover over me.

I read some Christian books on PPD.  They were helpful.  It was encouraging to know that I was not the only Christian going through all of this.  I had several ladies praying for me along with other family and friends.  My days would fluctuate.  One day things would be great and I felt like everything was getting better, but then the next day, I felt like I was right back at the bottom of the pit.  Would this EVER END?  With a lot of support, things have changed.  The depression has lifted and so has my anger at God.  Although I may never understand why God allowed me to go through this, I am trusting that He has a plan and purpose in it all.  I know that even when things don't make sense to me, I still have to TRUST that God has it all under control.  I had to think about what others have been through.  Their struggles were even worse than mine, but I can already see God using their situations to help others.  I can see how He has strengthened them through their trials and because of this strength, they have been a witness to me and to everyone else they have encountered. 

Yes, I would LOVE to know right now why the Lord allowed me to go through all of this, but I'm just going to have to be okay with not having an answer and move on.  I know that in facing this trial, I have grown and learned a lot about myself.  I have seen areas of my life that really needed to be changed.  I have been able to sympathize with others going through depression because I have been there myself.  I could understand their sadness and truly feel their pain.  Sometimes we have to face trials so we will learn to trust in God.  Sometimes the most devastating things happen to us, and it seems so unfair, but in the end, we are better off.  When I leave this Earth, I want to go to Heaven and live with my God for eternity.  I want to see the faces of others who have overcome!!!  I want to make sure that regardless of what I had to go through, I allowed God to use it to grow me up in Him.

Just a thought...

Today at Church my Pastor mentioned an article he had read in a Christian magazine regarding September 11th and it being the 10 year anniversary this year.  The article mentioned that September 11th was the revival that never happened.  It seems hard to look at it this way at first, but I began to understand.  The Sunday after September 11th, the churches were packed and people were crying out to God for strength and salvation.  Just a month later, things had calmed down, people were back to their usual routines and somehow, God was left on the back-burner again.  How many times do we see this in our own lives?  How many times have we gone through something and we begged God to help us?  We prayed to Him and clung to His every word.  We devoted our time to Him and kept pressing on until we made it through.  Shortly after our crisis was over, we went back to "normal" and slowly our relationship with God also faded some.  We tend to call on God when we need Him, and then when everything is going well, we neglect Him.  Sometimes I wonder if that is why we have to face all of the trials that come our way.  Is this God's way of getting my attention?  Did God allow the attacks on September 11th to get the attention of the citizens of the United States of America and the rest of the world?  I'm definitely not trying to minimize the extreme loss that our Country went through that day.  I too wish that it would never have happened, but because it did, I want to see God move through it.  I wish that I would never have had to go through PPD, but because I did, I want to see God move through my situation.  I want to see His power move in my life and I want to be able to help others. 

I hope that in the midst of your battle, you will remember that God does love you.  Don't be ashamed if you are angry with Him.  Talk to Him and let Him know how you are feeling.  Talk to others who share your faith who can help lift you up.  Even if you feel like you are going through the motions, continue to attend your church, continue to sing songs of praise and worship, and continue to pray even if all you can say is "Jesus, help me!"  Trust me, you will make it through.  The battle will eventually be over and you will be a much stronger person for having gone through it.  You will be able to share your story of victory to someone else who is struggling with PPD or depression of any kind.  God will allow us to OVERCOME no matter what!

Looking Ahead to the Future

Well, my son is 15 months old now and is very active.  Although he hasn't mastered walking yet, he sure does get around.  He crawls at about 20mph!!  He will walk some, but then chooses to get down and crawl like a maniac!  It's amazing to look back over the past 15 months.  God has brought me so far. 

Although there are still periods of time that I cannot remember, most of those first three months have "come back" to me.  Every once in awhile I will suddenly remember something that happened and then I have to think really hard because it's difficult to tell if it is something that really happened or if it is something I just thought of.  Most of the time it is something that happened.  It's so strange to recall things in this way, but I'm just glad that most of those moments are now a happy part of my memory.

As time passes and I look ahead to the future, I get tons of questions about whether or not we will try to have anymore children.  As of this minute in time, my answer is a big NO!  I love Seth with all of my heart and I thank God for allowing him to be a part of our family.  I would not change him for anything.  I'm at a point where I feel like I could be completely happy with just him in our family.  Who knows?  Maybe I will change my mind, but I doubt it!  It's hard to convince myself that I want to have more children when I almost go into a panic attack thinking about some of the things I went through.  I know that things could be much different the second time, but I'm not sure that I'm willing to take the risk. 

I have learned a lot through this experience and I know that God has allowed me to grow because of it, but I still think that I'm totally content with one child.  God has filled my heart with a mother's love for Seth.  I worried and worried that this would never happen, but it has!  I miss him when I haven't seen him all day.  I love to look at him when he is sound asleep.  I love to hear his laughter when I'm tickling him.  I just love that I am his mommy!  This next week is going to be tough for me.  Our daycare is closed and Seth will be staying with his Grandma and Grandpa for a few days.  Before, I was always VERY relieved when my parents watched Seth, but now I am dreading dropping him off.  I don't want him to be gone!!  I am going to miss him sooooo much!  I thank God that I have these feelings!!!  Finally, I feel like our future as a family is bright.  I feel as if things are stabilizing and that although I have my ups and downs, there are certainly several more ups than downs! 

I know in the past, in the middle of everything, it seemed as if there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  It seemed as though these horrible feelings would never end and that I was stuck in this role as a parent and that I would never be happy.  Thank God that things have turned around.  No matter what you are going through, just know that if you keep pressing through, you will make it to the other side.  Once you get to the other side, most likely you will be thankful for all that God has brought you through and you might even realize why you had to go through what you went through.  I know that God is going to use me to help others.  I'm not sure when or how, but I know that He will. 

As you celebrate this 4th of July with your families, please remember all of our soldiers and their families.  There are thousands and thousands of moms over here in the U.S. missing their sons and daughters.  They long to embrace their children and to see them face to face.  Pray for their safety as they serve our Country and pray for their families to find strength and comfort as they await the arrival of their loved one.  I cannot even imagine my son being a soldier serving our Country overseas.  What a challenging experience...knowing that they are doing something good but also knowing that they are always at risk.  Thank you moms for standing by your children and growing them into men and women who love their Country enough to sacrifice their lives for it.  I thank God for them and for you!

When Sadness Turns to ANGER!!

So it seems that as I have ventured through this journey, things would get better for a little while, then I would be down again, then I would be better, and then the anger would strike!  For some reason, I would have these cycles of intense anger.  I would have times when I would have no patience and I would feel so angry I could have busted down a wall!!!  Have you ever felt like...wow, I would LOVE to throw a glass against the wall and just hear it shatter and fall to the ground?  That may sound strange to some of you, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way!

As I dealt with all of that anger and aggression, my poor husband typically got the brunt of everything.  There were times when he could do everything, and I would still find the one thing that he didn't do and I would be so angry.  Sometimes I didn't even realize that I was being so rude and disrespectful until later in the day.  I think back over what has happened, and I feel really bad.  I was talking to a friend a few months ago and I was telling her about these feelings.  I didn't try to sugar-coat anything or try to make myself look better.  I told her straight-up how I had been acting towards my husband.  Because she is my friend, she didn't say, "I know what you mean, I'm angry sometimes too and we have a right to be!"  Instead, she told me the truth which was, "Wow, Andrea, you can't be like that."  I agreed with her and told her that I didn't want to be like that, but the intense anger was sometimes so overwhelming that I felt out of control. 

At the next appointment I had with my Psychiatrist, I told him about this anger and about how I typically have the anger against my husband.  I was shocked when he said that was normal.  I argued saying that my husband had been wonderful and I had no reason to be angry with him.  Again, he said that it was normal to feel this way with PPD.  He talked to me about whether I was feeling some resentment towards my husband.  I told him that I was.  I told him that sometimes I would be perfectly fine, but at other times I  would look at my husband and think about how unfair it was for him to get all of the benefits of having a child, but he didn't have to go through everything I had to go through.  There were times when he would have days off and could actually relax and I felt like I never had that time because I was either working or taking care of our son.  My doctor spoke with me about how things would get better and about how this is a normal thing for me to be feeling.  It felt good to know that I was not the only one experiencing this anger and that my doctor didn't look at me like I was crazy for the things I was disclosing. 

I want women to know that there might be an intense cycle of anger that you go through during PPD.  I want women to somewhat expect it so that they can be prepared.  It's very hard to have these feelings and to think you are just rude, ungrateful, mean, hateful, etc.  I'm not saying that I didn't have any control over the things I said or did, but I felt a sense of relief when I was told that this is common with PPD.  At least I had hope that it would pass and things would get better instead of feeling that I was going to be "stuck" like this forever.  If you find yourself in this situation, I would encourage you to communicate this with your husband and with those you trust.  If they truly support you, they will help you through this time and be understanding.  If you happen to be the family or friend of someone going through this, please do not be judgemental of the woman's behavior or thinking.  Try not to take things personal and instead realize that if you are being "attacked" (and I don't mean physically), it really isn't about you, it is about the war of emotions and hormones going on in that woman's body!  Be encouraged and know that "this too shall pass" and things will eventually get back to normal. 

A YEAR of Changes...Some Good, Some Bad

Well, it has officially been a year since I gave birth to my wonderful son, Seth.  We celebrated his FIRST Birthday!!  We had a great party, but I can say that I am glad it's over!  It was a lot of fun, but man, planning parties is stressful...especially when your husband is supposed to be there to help, but instead his work mandates him to stay over and he can't be at the party at all!  I felt so bad that he missed our son's first Birthday party, but I know we will continue to celebrate each day of Seth's life, and next year the party will be even more exciting! 
Reflecting back over the year helps me to see just how far God has brought me.  I remember the first days, weeks, and months of Seth's life.  That's pretty good considering there was a time that I couldn't remember much of it.  I'm not sure if it was the PPD, stress, a combination of both, or something similar to PTSD.  Regardless, things have really started to change!  I remember starting this blog and crying through most of my posts.  Now, I typically do fine except when I am overwhelmed with how much God has blessed me and how far He has brought me.  The other day I was thinking back to how I felt just holding Seth and I started to cry.  Although I knew it was tough when I was going through it, it just seemed so painful remembering how I felt. 
Now that things are going better, my husband and I have been talking more about how things were and how we were feeling at different times of this healing process.  I would express myself to my husband pretty regularly about how I was feeling.  I made statements such as, "I feel like I hate my life." and "I just want to run away from everything."  I knew those statements had to hurt him, but I also knew that he realized that this was due to the PPD.  It was not truly what I wanted to happen or how I really felt.  He opened up to me recently and said that going through PPD with me was very, very hard.  He said that he was glad that I opened up to him, but it was painful for him as well.  I told him throughout this battle that I felt so bad for him having to deal with me and all of my emotions and he was always very supportive, but I knew that it was tough for him too--I just didn't realize how tough.  He said that hearing those types of comments (mentioned above) were very hard to take in and deal with.  I can only imagine.  I would hate coming home to him on a daily basis and hearing that he hated his life, he wanted to just run away from it all, and that he wished that all of this never happened.  WOW, what a crazy mess to deal with!  I just thank God for those who supported my husband.  He spoke with our Pastor, with some of the men at the church, and most of all, he spoke with God.  He prayed fervently all of the time.  I cannot thank God enough for a husband who is and was so understanding.  I thank God that my husband does not hold these things against me.  I'm thankful that he allowed me to express myself without being judged. 
If you read my posts, it should be evident that SUPPORT is one of the most important things in battling PPD.  The only way to have support is to tell people how you are feeling and let them know that you need their help.  Most friends are waiting for an opportunity to help another friend in need, so don't be afraid of being judged by others, speak up, and let them help you! 
Just to update you all regarding treatment with medication...it certainly has helped.  I have been very disappointed that a year has passed and I am still taking the medication, but I know that sooner than I think, things will be back to "normal" and I will no longer need the medication.  Besides, the PPD, I have had several other things happen in my life (good and bad) that have either helped me or made things harder.  I hope that someday, people will have a better understanding of PPD and they will be more sensitive of the comments they make to new moms.  Things people have said to me have not meant to be hurtful, they just don't understand.  Just to help you if you are ever in this situation, here are 10 things you should NOT say to a new mom (especially if she is going through the "baby blues" or PPD):
1.  I know you're tired.  All mothers go through that and you will be fine.
2.  When are you going to get that baby out of the house?  He's already ___ old.
3.  Wow, you look tired!  You need to sleep when the baby sleeps!
4.  Isn't being a mom the most wonderful thing ever?
5.  So, how many more kids do you want?
6.  Wow, you get 12 weeks off for maternity leave!  What a nice vacation.
7.  I can't believe you already let your baby stay the night somewhere else!  I didn't do that until mine were ____ years old.
8.  I went through all of that too, but I did just fine without medication.
9.  I can't believe you didn't come to _____, just pack the baby up and bring him, it's not that big of a deal!
10.  You're STILL dealing with PPD?  It's been like a year, hasn't it?

Again, I know that most comments are not meant to be hurtful, but watch how you say things.  Most women going through PPD are already struggling with guilt and feeling as if they are not a good mom.  Please don't allow your comments to make those things worse.  If you are unsure what to say, just tell the mom that you are there for her if she needs anything and that you are praying for her.  If possible, call her or text her with words of encouragement.  My friends were awesome about encouraging me and letting me know that I had not been forgotten.

The Roller Coaster of Emotions!

Ahhhh, the joys of amusement parks!  Standing in line, waiting for hours to ride a 20 second ride!  But during those 20 seconds, you get whipped around, up and down, around and around, and upside down.  There are also those moments in between all of those crazy twists and turns that are just flat or uphill.  This somewhat explains my life right now.  I'm waiting and waiting for all of this to be over, but yet, it's more like a roller coaster ride.  One day things are smooth and somewhat slow-paced while other days are a blur of busyness and emotions.  One day I feel like things are going great and that everything is going back to normal, then the very next day everything bottoms out.  It's like I go from overcoming back to square one!  All of the feelings and emotions come rushing back and it is very overwhelming.  The discouragement and guilt that comes along with all of that is enough to choke the very breath out of me...yet I continue on.

One moment I feel like a good mom who loves my child and wants the best for him, then things completely do a 180 and I'm feeling like I've made the biggest mistake of my life and that I will never love being a mother--yet alone like it!  To avoid these thoughts, I bury myself in work and busyness.  It helps for awhile because I have too much going on to think about how I am really feeling, but eventually things calm down and I'm left with my own thoughts.  At some point I have to cast those thoughts down and "wage war" against all of the things that are trying to keep me down.  This is no easy task!  These thoughts and feelings get ingrained in my mind and just convincing myself that I'm making progress is almost impossible.  But again, I continue on. 

My son will be a year old next month...ONE year old.  It's crazy to think that all of this has been going on for a year.  It's a good thing that we do not know how long our trials will last because if I would have known in the beginning that I would still be dealing with all of this one year later, I probably would have given up!  I can say that things are definitely better than they were in the beginning.  I used to not have any good days.  I used to cry off and on every single day.  Time passed and the bad days became fewer and fewer.  Now, it seems that my bad days are only here and there, but they are extremely intense.  It's like all of the emotions of all of the other bad days are combined into one.  I sometimes feel like I'm busting at the seams.  I usually end up sobbing until my eyes cannot cry another tear.  I look back over the day and realize how awful I have been to deal with.  I wake up the next morning to my son talking in his crib.  I walk into his room and say "good morning" and he looks up and smiles so big that my heart melts.  He gets up in anticipation of me picking him up and he just can't wait!  He giggles some and just stares at me with those beautiful brown eyes.  I think back and wonder why I even had the bad thoughts and feelings that I had because I love him so much.

Nothing compares to the tight embrace of your child who loves you unconditionally.  I kiss his sweet face and prepare for whatever is to come.  I thank God for this sweet blessing and I continue to "wage war" against anything that threatens to assault this relationship that I am building with my son.  Regardless of the feelings and emotions that I've been through on this roller coaster ride, I cannot imagine my son not being here with me.  He is the sweetest child and he has such a great little personality.  If you are battling PPD too, try to focus on the joy that your child has brought to your life.  Thank God that your child is healthy and that God entrusted you with his or her life.  Things will get better...I know they will!

"Relapses" of Unhealthy Thinking

It seems that as time passes things get better. It's a great feeling until all of the sudden the feelings and thoughts all hit you again at once. Things can be going perfectly fine and then...bam...it feels like I'm back to square one! Ugh!

I meet with my psychiatrist at least once a month.  He makes some medication changes and we hope for the best. I've seen the psychiatrist twelve times now and it gets pretty discouraging when things start getting bad all over again. Thankfully for the past 2 weeks it seems that I'm doing better. My husband has noticed a change as well so I'm hoping that we have finally found the correct medication and dosage! Sometimes I have felt like a lab rat while going through all of this! My doctor would say that it's a matter of trial and error until we get the right medication and the right dose...ummmm...that's not what I wanted to hear!! I wanted to hear that there was going to be some miracle drug that was going to give me immediate results. No one wants to hear that it could be months before you start feeling like yourself again! In my case, it was around 9 months before I really felt like there was still a part of me in this body! A few days ago my husband and I were driving somewhere and we started singing songs from back in the day and we were cracking up! This laughter is the first "true" and heartfelt laughter that I can recall since having Seth. I'm very thankful that I'm starting to feel like myself again, but it has been a very long road.

I really feel like one of the hardest things to deal with daily is trying to remember the first few months of Seth's life. This should be a fun and joyous thing to do, but for me it causes panic sometimes and sometimes I can't even remember anything. It's very difficult to deal with these "memories". I want to look back and remember good times and laugh and smile, but instead I typically just feel some type of panic, and that makes me sad. On my page, "The Seemingly Endless Cycle of Guilt", I talk about how it's very difficult to overcome all of this when the guilt just won't stop! No matter what you do there is always some reason to feel guilty. It is very tough to break this cycle, but you have to in order to start feeling better. You have to realize that PPD is the cause for most of the reasons why you feel guilty. 

The other day I was at work and was on my way to a home visit.  Things had been going pretty well and I felt like I was actually happy.  All of a sudden a sadness came over me that I just cannot explain.  At the same time, I began thinking about all of Seth's needs and whether or not we were doing everything we were supposed to be doing.  I started to worry about switching him over to table food and whether or not we were giving him enough  "floor time".  I became overwhelmed and thought I was going to have a panic attack.  I had to try my hardest to change my way of thinking.  Thankfully, I did not have a panic attack, but I was not far from it.  These patterns of thinking are very dangerous.  I do not want to live life in fear of being depressed and having panic attacks.  Although PPD effects your mind and body in several ways, there are still some things that we have to do to help ourselves.  It's easy to just sit and dwell on everything that has gone wrong, but in order to help your situation, you have to try to start dwelling on good things.  It's important to see the progress that you have made and try to see the good in your situation.  I have had the opportunity to speak to a few people dealing with depression and it felt good to actually encourage someone else.  It felt good to know that I could relate to their feelings and that I could help!  Over the past almost 10 months, I have felt so helpless.  At times I thought that I was never going to get better and that I would never be of help to anyone else because I was so consumed by my own situation.  It felt great to actually GIVE something back for once!!

Don't be discouraged!  Know that this is a process and that you WILL make it through.  Know that God is beside you each and every step of the way and He promised that He would never leave us nor forsake us.  Although at times it may feel that He is nowhere to be found, but trust me, He is there with you and wants nothing more than to be the One you run to!