When You're SO Mad that You Become Mad at GOD...

I've never felt so much anger and sadness in my life.  I couldn't understand why I had to go through all of this.  WHY did I have to be the one to have PPD?  WHY did I have to endure horrible thoughts that caused guilt in my life?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  These questions went through my head at least daily.  I hated the fact that anytime I would think back to when Seth was first born, my memories were horrible.  I despised the question, "So, how is the baby sleeping?" and even more so, "Do you think you will have any more kids?"  I know people didn't intend to hurt me at all with those questions, but WOW, they would stir me up!  As time passed, I thought things would get easier.  They did in a sense--the depression started to lift and I started to feel better, but as the depression started to lift, my anger started to BOIL.  I started to look around me and see all of these women with their children.  I saw the smiles on their faces and the happy stories they would tell.  I heard them say how much they loved being a mom.  I would smile, but on the inside I wanted to scream.  I thought, "Really God?  REALLY?  Are you just trying to rub this in my face or what?  Can't you see that I'm struggling??  You said you would never leave me nor forsake me, but right now I feel like you are nowhere to be found!"  I had these thoughts over and over and they just kept building up. 

After awhile I became somewhat cynical about everything.  As people would tell me that God would help me through, I started to get a little sarcastic.  I would sing songs of praise, but on the inside I was questioning everything I was singing.  I was SO angry!  I started to get caught up in why God allows things to happen.  I thought about how God is in complete control, and since that is the case, He could have kept all of this from happening to me, but He chose not to.  I started to feel worthless and unloved.  God could have covered me with His protection and none of this would have happened.  I thought, "Why God?  Why would you allow this?  What have I done that would cause You to want me to go through this?  I have lived for you!  I have tried my best to follow your Word and to be the woman of God that you have called me to be, and this is how I am REPAID?!"  Just typing that brings all of those feelings back.  I felt helpless and I felt abandoned by God.  I would love to say that it only lasted for a day and then things were great, but that's not how it was.  I went through this valley for several months.  I continued to go to church.  I continued to go through the motions.  I continued to listen to my Pastor preach on faith, healing, victory, and everything I could have possibly needed to break through this craziness in my life, but I would leave and the dark cloud would continue to hover over me.

I read some Christian books on PPD.  They were helpful.  It was encouraging to know that I was not the only Christian going through all of this.  I had several ladies praying for me along with other family and friends.  My days would fluctuate.  One day things would be great and I felt like everything was getting better, but then the next day, I felt like I was right back at the bottom of the pit.  Would this EVER END?  With a lot of support, things have changed.  The depression has lifted and so has my anger at God.  Although I may never understand why God allowed me to go through this, I am trusting that He has a plan and purpose in it all.  I know that even when things don't make sense to me, I still have to TRUST that God has it all under control.  I had to think about what others have been through.  Their struggles were even worse than mine, but I can already see God using their situations to help others.  I can see how He has strengthened them through their trials and because of this strength, they have been a witness to me and to everyone else they have encountered. 

Yes, I would LOVE to know right now why the Lord allowed me to go through all of this, but I'm just going to have to be okay with not having an answer and move on.  I know that in facing this trial, I have grown and learned a lot about myself.  I have seen areas of my life that really needed to be changed.  I have been able to sympathize with others going through depression because I have been there myself.  I could understand their sadness and truly feel their pain.  Sometimes we have to face trials so we will learn to trust in God.  Sometimes the most devastating things happen to us, and it seems so unfair, but in the end, we are better off.  When I leave this Earth, I want to go to Heaven and live with my God for eternity.  I want to see the faces of others who have overcome!!!  I want to make sure that regardless of what I had to go through, I allowed God to use it to grow me up in Him.

Just a thought...

Today at Church my Pastor mentioned an article he had read in a Christian magazine regarding September 11th and it being the 10 year anniversary this year.  The article mentioned that September 11th was the revival that never happened.  It seems hard to look at it this way at first, but I began to understand.  The Sunday after September 11th, the churches were packed and people were crying out to God for strength and salvation.  Just a month later, things had calmed down, people were back to their usual routines and somehow, God was left on the back-burner again.  How many times do we see this in our own lives?  How many times have we gone through something and we begged God to help us?  We prayed to Him and clung to His every word.  We devoted our time to Him and kept pressing on until we made it through.  Shortly after our crisis was over, we went back to "normal" and slowly our relationship with God also faded some.  We tend to call on God when we need Him, and then when everything is going well, we neglect Him.  Sometimes I wonder if that is why we have to face all of the trials that come our way.  Is this God's way of getting my attention?  Did God allow the attacks on September 11th to get the attention of the citizens of the United States of America and the rest of the world?  I'm definitely not trying to minimize the extreme loss that our Country went through that day.  I too wish that it would never have happened, but because it did, I want to see God move through it.  I wish that I would never have had to go through PPD, but because I did, I want to see God move through my situation.  I want to see His power move in my life and I want to be able to help others. 

I hope that in the midst of your battle, you will remember that God does love you.  Don't be ashamed if you are angry with Him.  Talk to Him and let Him know how you are feeling.  Talk to others who share your faith who can help lift you up.  Even if you feel like you are going through the motions, continue to attend your church, continue to sing songs of praise and worship, and continue to pray even if all you can say is "Jesus, help me!"  Trust me, you will make it through.  The battle will eventually be over and you will be a much stronger person for having gone through it.  You will be able to share your story of victory to someone else who is struggling with PPD or depression of any kind.  God will allow us to OVERCOME no matter what!