It is so easy to mask your true feelings and emotions by putting on a smile and saying that everything is fine when it's not. I'm a professional at this and it gets you nowhere. Unless you take off the masks and open up to people you will never get the help you need! I'm still working on this one...so don't be fooled by my masks! Below is something I wrote about myself while going through all of this.
Do You See what I See?
Look at me...smile on my face, Bible in my hand, beautiful son, wonderful husband, good job, nice car, and a beautiful home. Look at me...teaching the children, teaching dance, working the nursery, ministering to others, and attending every service. Look at me...waking up every morning, getting ready, getting my son ready, driving him to daycare- I smile when I drop him off- driving to work, and going through the door with a smile on my face saying "Good morning!" to everyone. Look at me...finishing a long day at work, picking up my son, smiling as I leave the daycare, driving home, holding and playing with my son, spending time with my husband, and going to bed--EMPTY! Look at me...I'm not who you think I am...I'm the girl behind the mask. Look at me...do you see what I see? Of course not because I don't allow you to. These masks help me to feel protected. The true me is disguised and only a few, if that many, get to see the real me or at least a part of the real me.
The girl behind the mask is hiding, not just from you, but from herself. She doesn't even want to believe that she is who she is and feels how she feels. She has a mask for everything. One of the easiest and most common is the mask of happiness. Smile, say the right things, encourage others...She's got that one perfected--no one even has a clue that underneath the mask she is sad, hurt, lonely, disappointed, angry, resentful and full of bitterness. But don't worry, there is no need for you to console her because you will never even know. At times the sadness is so overwhelming that she just doesn't even come around. She doesn't want people to see her cry and ask questions because she knows that everyone else has problems too and she doesn't want to be a bother. Sometimes the hurt is so bad that she would rather not get close to anyone so she won't get hurt. Then the bitterness and resentment come, but again, you wouldn't know because the mask is still smiling and saying all of the right things.
"Hold it in"--it's like a fire, starts with a spark, ignites and keeps burning until total destruction. It's a bad, consuming fire that takes all she has and chokes the breath out of her. The smoke consumes until there is no more life. Walking empty with nothing inside but ashes. Ashes of what she used to be, good and bad, ashes that have no potential to form into anything good. They need to be removed so that space can be filled with God's love, but she doesn't let the ashes go. She keeps trying to make something of them rather than allowing God to remove them and renew her. They smolder...always there waiting to set fire to the next thing she allows in. Her heart is broken in pieces--shattered--only God can restore. Her hurts, pains, disappointments have got to go, but it hurts. She considers her choices and she wishes there was a way to totally isolate herself so that she cannot be hurt. Don't let anyone in. Don't let anyone see the real you--in shambles, broken and feeling defeated. What kind of testimony is that? No one wants to hear that. So here she goes, building another wall and putting on more masks to disguise herself and to not let anyone see her pain. It works, but for how long? How long can she keep up the front? How long until she completely crumbles and is too far away to reach for help? Eventually the fire will stop, the smoldering will end, but her life will be snuffed out because she can no longer keep playing this game. She wants to see Jesus. She wants to meet Him, so she has got to keep going--she has to. She is just not sure how.
She is in distress and she feels like she can't get out. She feels like God is not with her. She goes to church with her masks perfectly in place--ready to smile, ready to greet others, and ready to help where needed. She lifts her hands and tries to worship, but she realizes it's a mask too--a religious one. She knows what to do...raise her hands, close her eyes, sing along, but inside there is no connection...she is still empty. Her mind wanders and she allows the cares of this world to consume her. All the while, everything continues around her. She listens and feels how each word hits her and bounces off. She leaves just as empty and just as sad and lonely as before, but there's guilt as well because she knows she could have and should have done more, but she's exhausted. She just wants to go home and be alone. She wants to run away and not be bothered, but she knows she cannot and should not. When will these feelings end? When will she stop allowing these thoughts, and when will she allow someone in? Who knows because she is too scared to let them see the real girl--her true feelings, heartache, and anger. So, the masks remain in place. When it comes to Halloween and disguising herself, she doesn't need a mask--she already has several. They are much scarier than the real Halloween masks because they are very difficult to see and very hard to take off. Sometimes she even has herself fooled. If you look deep into her eyes, you can see that the smile and happiness stop at the corners of her mouth. Her eyes still show the pain, anger, and sometimes numbness that she feels. They are empty, just like she is.
Taking off the masks and exposing her true self is very difficult, but it is the only way that she can get help and support. Taking off the masks will give her freedom. Although she knows this...she continues to wear the masks. One day, the masks will be off and the true girl behind the masks will be exposed. She will stand with the strength of God and be a testimony to others. Someday she will come out of her comfort zone and allow the deepest and most hurtful places to be exposed and to be healed. Someday she will be restored and see life in a different light...someday...someday.
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