The last few days that my mom was with us, she spoke with my husband about how I may need to get some help. My husband and I had been praying for healing and we were both putting our faith in God's healing. I did not seek help from doctors, but rather I just called on the Lord. He helped me through a lot, but one thing I didn't think about was...God has His own timing, and although I had prayed continually for healing, it didn't mean that it was going to happen right away. I was very disappointed that I did not receive my healing right away and my depression worsened.
Before my mom left, two of my friends, Karen and Becky, stopped by to visit. They were such a blessing. Neither of them were aware of my condition. Because they are my friends, they knew right away that something was not right. They encouraged me and brought gifts for my son. Becky also brought a gift for me. It was a necklace that said "Mother". I still do not think that she realizes how much this meant and still means to me. I began to cry and thanked her. I began pouring my heart out to my friends. Karen and her husband reassured me that there is a period of time after giving birth that a woman is very emotional and that I was probably just going through that phase. I felt some relief because I thought I was the only one. It also made me think that this would all end soon! Unfortunately it didn't, but it was at least good to know that I wasn't the only mom who was bawling my eyes out every day. Karen and Becky gave me some advice on how to make things easier on myself. They told me things that they had done with their own children who were also fairly young. It was helpful.
One thing that constantly wore on me was Seth having his nights and days confused. He would be up for hours and hours throughout the night and would sleep all day. The longer he slept during the day, the more anxiety I would have because I knew I would not be getting any sleep during the night. My friends continued to reassure me that this would pass and that I would eventually get some sleep. I definitely appreciated all of their help (and still do). I was so nervous about everything. I was logging everything that was going on with Seth and I felt like I was doing everything wrong. They continued to tell me that I was a good mom and that Seth was healthy, so I was obviously doing something right. Their visit encouraged me and let me know that I could open up to my friends and they wouldn't think I was crazy (even though I felt like it on the inside). I kept having thoughts about how mothers have babies every day and they are able to make it through, so why did I feel like I couldn't? I felt like such a wimp and like such a worthless mother.
My friend Becky and I talked about a lot of things. She stayed and listened to me talk on and on about everything. I don't think she planned to stay as long as she did, but I truly thank her for that. It is because of Karen and Becky that I was able to later open up to others who would give me strength.
I kept thinking, "Lord, you said that you would not put more on us than we can bear, but I feel like I cannot take anything else. Why would you give me a child and then allow me to feel this way? Why do I feel like I don't want him and that my life is ruined?" I cried and cried and cried about this. I spent countless hours opening up to my husband about my feelings. I couldn't even believe the things that were coming out of my mouth. Was this really me? The girl who was so excited about having a baby and being a mom. Did I really feel like my son was an intruder in my life? How could I have had such a great pregnancy and delivery and then want to just walk away from it all? It was like I was having an identity crisis and I just wanted to LEAVE.
Despite those feelings, the Lord did sustain me through everything. I never left...and trust me, I thought about it all of the time. If it wasn't for the strength of my Lord, the support of my husband and mom, and the support of my friends, I truly have no idea where I would be. I honestly may not be on this earth today. The Lord is true to His Word--He will never put more on you than you can bear, even if you think you cannot take anymore, the Lord will give you the strength to press through.
Before my mom left, two of my friends, Karen and Becky, stopped by to visit. They were such a blessing. Neither of them were aware of my condition. Because they are my friends, they knew right away that something was not right. They encouraged me and brought gifts for my son. Becky also brought a gift for me. It was a necklace that said "Mother". I still do not think that she realizes how much this meant and still means to me. I began to cry and thanked her. I began pouring my heart out to my friends. Karen and her husband reassured me that there is a period of time after giving birth that a woman is very emotional and that I was probably just going through that phase. I felt some relief because I thought I was the only one. It also made me think that this would all end soon! Unfortunately it didn't, but it was at least good to know that I wasn't the only mom who was bawling my eyes out every day. Karen and Becky gave me some advice on how to make things easier on myself. They told me things that they had done with their own children who were also fairly young. It was helpful.
One thing that constantly wore on me was Seth having his nights and days confused. He would be up for hours and hours throughout the night and would sleep all day. The longer he slept during the day, the more anxiety I would have because I knew I would not be getting any sleep during the night. My friends continued to reassure me that this would pass and that I would eventually get some sleep. I definitely appreciated all of their help (and still do). I was so nervous about everything. I was logging everything that was going on with Seth and I felt like I was doing everything wrong. They continued to tell me that I was a good mom and that Seth was healthy, so I was obviously doing something right. Their visit encouraged me and let me know that I could open up to my friends and they wouldn't think I was crazy (even though I felt like it on the inside). I kept having thoughts about how mothers have babies every day and they are able to make it through, so why did I feel like I couldn't? I felt like such a wimp and like such a worthless mother.
My friend Becky and I talked about a lot of things. She stayed and listened to me talk on and on about everything. I don't think she planned to stay as long as she did, but I truly thank her for that. It is because of Karen and Becky that I was able to later open up to others who would give me strength.
I kept thinking, "Lord, you said that you would not put more on us than we can bear, but I feel like I cannot take anything else. Why would you give me a child and then allow me to feel this way? Why do I feel like I don't want him and that my life is ruined?" I cried and cried and cried about this. I spent countless hours opening up to my husband about my feelings. I couldn't even believe the things that were coming out of my mouth. Was this really me? The girl who was so excited about having a baby and being a mom. Did I really feel like my son was an intruder in my life? How could I have had such a great pregnancy and delivery and then want to just walk away from it all? It was like I was having an identity crisis and I just wanted to LEAVE.
Despite those feelings, the Lord did sustain me through everything. I never left...and trust me, I thought about it all of the time. If it wasn't for the strength of my Lord, the support of my husband and mom, and the support of my friends, I truly have no idea where I would be. I honestly may not be on this earth today. The Lord is true to His Word--He will never put more on you than you can bear, even if you think you cannot take anymore, the Lord will give you the strength to press through.
