Ahhhh, the joys of amusement parks! Standing in line, waiting for hours to ride a 20 second ride! But during those 20 seconds, you get whipped around, up and down, around and around, and upside down. There are also those moments in between all of those crazy twists and turns that are just flat or uphill. This somewhat explains my life right now. I'm waiting and waiting for all of this to be over, but yet, it's more like a roller coaster ride. One day things are smooth and somewhat slow-paced while other days are a blur of busyness and emotions. One day I feel like things are going great and that everything is going back to normal, then the very next day everything bottoms out. It's like I go from overcoming back to square one! All of the feelings and emotions come rushing back and it is very overwhelming. The discouragement and guilt that comes along with all of that is enough to choke the very breath out of me...yet I continue on.
One moment I feel like a good mom who loves my child and wants the best for him, then things completely do a 180 and I'm feeling like I've made the biggest mistake of my life and that I will never love being a mother--yet alone like it! To avoid these thoughts, I bury myself in work and busyness. It helps for awhile because I have too much going on to think about how I am really feeling, but eventually things calm down and I'm left with my own thoughts. At some point I have to cast those thoughts down and "wage war" against all of the things that are trying to keep me down. This is no easy task! These thoughts and feelings get ingrained in my mind and just convincing myself that I'm making progress is almost impossible. But again, I continue on.
My son will be a year old next month...ONE year old. It's crazy to think that all of this has been going on for a year. It's a good thing that we do not know how long our trials will last because if I would have known in the beginning that I would still be dealing with all of this one year later, I probably would have given up! I can say that things are definitely better than they were in the beginning. I used to not have any good days. I used to cry off and on every single day. Time passed and the bad days became fewer and fewer. Now, it seems that my bad days are only here and there, but they are extremely intense. It's like all of the emotions of all of the other bad days are combined into one. I sometimes feel like I'm busting at the seams. I usually end up sobbing until my eyes cannot cry another tear. I look back over the day and realize how awful I have been to deal with. I wake up the next morning to my son talking in his crib. I walk into his room and say "good morning" and he looks up and smiles so big that my heart melts. He gets up in anticipation of me picking him up and he just can't wait! He giggles some and just stares at me with those beautiful brown eyes. I think back and wonder why I even had the bad thoughts and feelings that I had because I love him so much.
Nothing compares to the tight embrace of your child who loves you unconditionally. I kiss his sweet face and prepare for whatever is to come. I thank God for this sweet blessing and I continue to "wage war" against anything that threatens to assault this relationship that I am building with my son. Regardless of the feelings and emotions that I've been through on this roller coaster ride, I cannot imagine my son not being here with me. He is the sweetest child and he has such a great little personality. If you are battling PPD too, try to focus on the joy that your child has brought to your life. Thank God that your child is healthy and that God entrusted you with his or her life. Things will get better...I know they will!
One moment I feel like a good mom who loves my child and wants the best for him, then things completely do a 180 and I'm feeling like I've made the biggest mistake of my life and that I will never love being a mother--yet alone like it! To avoid these thoughts, I bury myself in work and busyness. It helps for awhile because I have too much going on to think about how I am really feeling, but eventually things calm down and I'm left with my own thoughts. At some point I have to cast those thoughts down and "wage war" against all of the things that are trying to keep me down. This is no easy task! These thoughts and feelings get ingrained in my mind and just convincing myself that I'm making progress is almost impossible. But again, I continue on.
My son will be a year old next month...ONE year old. It's crazy to think that all of this has been going on for a year. It's a good thing that we do not know how long our trials will last because if I would have known in the beginning that I would still be dealing with all of this one year later, I probably would have given up! I can say that things are definitely better than they were in the beginning. I used to not have any good days. I used to cry off and on every single day. Time passed and the bad days became fewer and fewer. Now, it seems that my bad days are only here and there, but they are extremely intense. It's like all of the emotions of all of the other bad days are combined into one. I sometimes feel like I'm busting at the seams. I usually end up sobbing until my eyes cannot cry another tear. I look back over the day and realize how awful I have been to deal with. I wake up the next morning to my son talking in his crib. I walk into his room and say "good morning" and he looks up and smiles so big that my heart melts. He gets up in anticipation of me picking him up and he just can't wait! He giggles some and just stares at me with those beautiful brown eyes. I think back and wonder why I even had the bad thoughts and feelings that I had because I love him so much.
Nothing compares to the tight embrace of your child who loves you unconditionally. I kiss his sweet face and prepare for whatever is to come. I thank God for this sweet blessing and I continue to "wage war" against anything that threatens to assault this relationship that I am building with my son. Regardless of the feelings and emotions that I've been through on this roller coaster ride, I cannot imagine my son not being here with me. He is the sweetest child and he has such a great little personality. If you are battling PPD too, try to focus on the joy that your child has brought to your life. Thank God that your child is healthy and that God entrusted you with his or her life. Things will get better...I know they will!
