If dealing with PPD, being a new mommy, and having a crazy job is not enough, the Holidays bring added stress. I know that I hear from most people that the Holidays stress them out and they feel like they do more running around than enjoying the days--this is not the stress I am referring to. My stress and "blues" are different. This year is especially hard when the Holidays come. I remember just last year being excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas and being very happy and excited about being pregnant. It's crazy that just one short year later, my feelings are almost completely opposite. I used to look forward to the Holidays because I could not wait to spend time with family, but in this stage of my PPD, I prefer to be alone and to not be "bothered" so getting together with everyone is very challenging to say the least. I love my family and am glad that I get to see them, but it is difficult to "press through" all of these feelings and emotions and to try to enjoy myself. It's always fun to reminisce about previous Holidays, but at the same time, it is sad. I want so much to be that person again. I want so much to look forward to the Holidays and spending time with friends and family. I want this all to be over with.
My baby is now 9 months old. This will be his first Christmas and I want to make it special for him, but it's hard when inside I'm falling apart. I thank God that at this point in Seth's young life, he will not remember his first Christmas. We will take the "joyful" pictures and that is what he will be able to look back on. I'm sure that I will remember the pain, but he will not have to endure it--thank God! If the Christmas tree never gets put up and not a single light is hung up, his day will not be affected. If I cry throughout the day, he will not understand nor will he remember. Dealing with "blue Holidays" is very difficult. As I go through this Season, I will try my best to "think upon good things."
I am so thankful that I'm married to a man of God who truly supports me in everything I do. I'm thankful for a son who is healthy and who enjoys even the smallest of things. I am thankful for a job that helps provide for my family. I'm thankful for a warm home where my family can spend time together. I'm thankful for a car that is reliable that allows me to visit family and friends. I'm thankful for parents who are loving and supportive. I'm thankful for a mother-in-law who knows how to make me laugh and who goes with the flow. I'm thankful for my physical health that allows me to chase Seth all over the house now that he is mobile! I have so much to be thankful for and that is what I need to focus on. I have a Lord and Savior who was born just to die for me. I know that if He was willing to die for me because He wants me to live, I also know that He wants to heal me of all of this. I know that He has great things in store for me and my family and that through this trial, He will mold me and shape me into the person that he wants me to become. I know that even when I handle things wrong or when I sulk in my sadness, He still loves me and will never give up on me.
Although it is easy to feel "blue" at Christmas, we have to remember the TRUE meaning of CHRISTmas and what it is all about. Christ was born on this Earth so that we could have eternal life. He was born, touched many lives, and then endured the cross because He loves us so much. This Christmas, try to set aside quality time with your family remembering what the day is really about. Sure it's fun to see your children open their gifts and see their faces light up, but how much more rewarding will it be to see them grow up into men and women of God?
If you are experiencing depression and are having a rough time during the Holidays, think on the things I mentioned above. Remember that the "joy of the Lord is my strength". Keep pressing through and try not to let your eyes get fixed on the storm, but rather keep your eyes on Jesus as he leads you out of this dark place. One day you will be in a better place looking back at all that you went through. You will be able to reach others and minister to others as a result of the things you went through. It's easy to read Scripture and to feel disconnected, but when another Christian can relate and can tell you their testimony, everything falls into place! I cannot wait for the souls I am going to reach. I cannot wait for the opportunity to share my testimony about being healed from PPD and how it changed my life...for the good.
