When Sadness Turns to ANGER!!

So it seems that as I have ventured through this journey, things would get better for a little while, then I would be down again, then I would be better, and then the anger would strike!  For some reason, I would have these cycles of intense anger.  I would have times when I would have no patience and I would feel so angry I could have busted down a wall!!!  Have you ever felt like...wow, I would LOVE to throw a glass against the wall and just hear it shatter and fall to the ground?  That may sound strange to some of you, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way!

As I dealt with all of that anger and aggression, my poor husband typically got the brunt of everything.  There were times when he could do everything, and I would still find the one thing that he didn't do and I would be so angry.  Sometimes I didn't even realize that I was being so rude and disrespectful until later in the day.  I think back over what has happened, and I feel really bad.  I was talking to a friend a few months ago and I was telling her about these feelings.  I didn't try to sugar-coat anything or try to make myself look better.  I told her straight-up how I had been acting towards my husband.  Because she is my friend, she didn't say, "I know what you mean, I'm angry sometimes too and we have a right to be!"  Instead, she told me the truth which was, "Wow, Andrea, you can't be like that."  I agreed with her and told her that I didn't want to be like that, but the intense anger was sometimes so overwhelming that I felt out of control. 

At the next appointment I had with my Psychiatrist, I told him about this anger and about how I typically have the anger against my husband.  I was shocked when he said that was normal.  I argued saying that my husband had been wonderful and I had no reason to be angry with him.  Again, he said that it was normal to feel this way with PPD.  He talked to me about whether I was feeling some resentment towards my husband.  I told him that I was.  I told him that sometimes I would be perfectly fine, but at other times I  would look at my husband and think about how unfair it was for him to get all of the benefits of having a child, but he didn't have to go through everything I had to go through.  There were times when he would have days off and could actually relax and I felt like I never had that time because I was either working or taking care of our son.  My doctor spoke with me about how things would get better and about how this is a normal thing for me to be feeling.  It felt good to know that I was not the only one experiencing this anger and that my doctor didn't look at me like I was crazy for the things I was disclosing. 

I want women to know that there might be an intense cycle of anger that you go through during PPD.  I want women to somewhat expect it so that they can be prepared.  It's very hard to have these feelings and to think you are just rude, ungrateful, mean, hateful, etc.  I'm not saying that I didn't have any control over the things I said or did, but I felt a sense of relief when I was told that this is common with PPD.  At least I had hope that it would pass and things would get better instead of feeling that I was going to be "stuck" like this forever.  If you find yourself in this situation, I would encourage you to communicate this with your husband and with those you trust.  If they truly support you, they will help you through this time and be understanding.  If you happen to be the family or friend of someone going through this, please do not be judgemental of the woman's behavior or thinking.  Try not to take things personal and instead realize that if you are being "attacked" (and I don't mean physically), it really isn't about you, it is about the war of emotions and hormones going on in that woman's body!  Be encouraged and know that "this too shall pass" and things will eventually get back to normal. 

A YEAR of Changes...Some Good, Some Bad

Well, it has officially been a year since I gave birth to my wonderful son, Seth.  We celebrated his FIRST Birthday!!  We had a great party, but I can say that I am glad it's over!  It was a lot of fun, but man, planning parties is stressful...especially when your husband is supposed to be there to help, but instead his work mandates him to stay over and he can't be at the party at all!  I felt so bad that he missed our son's first Birthday party, but I know we will continue to celebrate each day of Seth's life, and next year the party will be even more exciting! 
Reflecting back over the year helps me to see just how far God has brought me.  I remember the first days, weeks, and months of Seth's life.  That's pretty good considering there was a time that I couldn't remember much of it.  I'm not sure if it was the PPD, stress, a combination of both, or something similar to PTSD.  Regardless, things have really started to change!  I remember starting this blog and crying through most of my posts.  Now, I typically do fine except when I am overwhelmed with how much God has blessed me and how far He has brought me.  The other day I was thinking back to how I felt just holding Seth and I started to cry.  Although I knew it was tough when I was going through it, it just seemed so painful remembering how I felt. 
Now that things are going better, my husband and I have been talking more about how things were and how we were feeling at different times of this healing process.  I would express myself to my husband pretty regularly about how I was feeling.  I made statements such as, "I feel like I hate my life." and "I just want to run away from everything."  I knew those statements had to hurt him, but I also knew that he realized that this was due to the PPD.  It was not truly what I wanted to happen or how I really felt.  He opened up to me recently and said that going through PPD with me was very, very hard.  He said that he was glad that I opened up to him, but it was painful for him as well.  I told him throughout this battle that I felt so bad for him having to deal with me and all of my emotions and he was always very supportive, but I knew that it was tough for him too--I just didn't realize how tough.  He said that hearing those types of comments (mentioned above) were very hard to take in and deal with.  I can only imagine.  I would hate coming home to him on a daily basis and hearing that he hated his life, he wanted to just run away from it all, and that he wished that all of this never happened.  WOW, what a crazy mess to deal with!  I just thank God for those who supported my husband.  He spoke with our Pastor, with some of the men at the church, and most of all, he spoke with God.  He prayed fervently all of the time.  I cannot thank God enough for a husband who is and was so understanding.  I thank God that my husband does not hold these things against me.  I'm thankful that he allowed me to express myself without being judged. 
If you read my posts, it should be evident that SUPPORT is one of the most important things in battling PPD.  The only way to have support is to tell people how you are feeling and let them know that you need their help.  Most friends are waiting for an opportunity to help another friend in need, so don't be afraid of being judged by others, speak up, and let them help you! 
Just to update you all regarding treatment with medication...it certainly has helped.  I have been very disappointed that a year has passed and I am still taking the medication, but I know that sooner than I think, things will be back to "normal" and I will no longer need the medication.  Besides, the PPD, I have had several other things happen in my life (good and bad) that have either helped me or made things harder.  I hope that someday, people will have a better understanding of PPD and they will be more sensitive of the comments they make to new moms.  Things people have said to me have not meant to be hurtful, they just don't understand.  Just to help you if you are ever in this situation, here are 10 things you should NOT say to a new mom (especially if she is going through the "baby blues" or PPD):
1.  I know you're tired.  All mothers go through that and you will be fine.
2.  When are you going to get that baby out of the house?  He's already ___ old.
3.  Wow, you look tired!  You need to sleep when the baby sleeps!
4.  Isn't being a mom the most wonderful thing ever?
5.  So, how many more kids do you want?
6.  Wow, you get 12 weeks off for maternity leave!  What a nice vacation.
7.  I can't believe you already let your baby stay the night somewhere else!  I didn't do that until mine were ____ years old.
8.  I went through all of that too, but I did just fine without medication.
9.  I can't believe you didn't come to _____, just pack the baby up and bring him, it's not that big of a deal!
10.  You're STILL dealing with PPD?  It's been like a year, hasn't it?

Again, I know that most comments are not meant to be hurtful, but watch how you say things.  Most women going through PPD are already struggling with guilt and feeling as if they are not a good mom.  Please don't allow your comments to make those things worse.  If you are unsure what to say, just tell the mom that you are there for her if she needs anything and that you are praying for her.  If possible, call her or text her with words of encouragement.  My friends were awesome about encouraging me and letting me know that I had not been forgotten.