One of the hardest things about dealing with PPD is the continuous cycle of guilt. Not only do you feel horrible and incapable of doing things, you also have guilt about everything you do or don't do and about everything you feel or don't feel! It's an ongoing process and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming. One thing that helped me was my husband reminding me that my thoughts were not my own and neither were my feelings. These things were not coming from me but rather from an imbalance that was taking over my body. He reminded me of this on several occasions when I was expressing how I was feeling. I'm not saying that I believed him all of the time, but it was good to be reassured by the father of my child, and it was good to know that he understood. He wasn't condescending. He didn't say that I just needed to "snap out of it" or that I needed to "change my thinking". Those comments would have been horrible for me to hear.
If you are the friend or family member of someone with PPD, please understand that they cannot just "snap out of it" or "just change". This disease (chemical imbalance) effects everything about them. It effects everyone in different ways. The person may be able to "go through the motions" and take care of the family or they may not have the motivation to even get out of bed. Just know that as a family member or friend, your support is needed and to make these comments will only worsen the woman who is experiencing PPD. Most likely, she is already dealing with a lot of guilt and these comments will make it worse. She will start to believe that she should just be able to "snap out of it" and when she can't, she will again feel like a failure. Be an encourager! You should know your friend or family member and know what she used to enjoy. See if you can get her to get out of the house or engage in something that she used to like to do. She may be resistant at first, but see if you can get her to do something. Make sure that you do not go overboard on your attempts to get her to do things. If she is completely resistant, then back down and wait for another opportunity. Help her with housework (washing the dishes, doing laundry, etc.) Sometimes a woman suffering with PPD does not feel like they can accomplish anything and so they don't do anything. Help out so she will not feel like she is drowning in things that need to be done.
Most importantly, be there for her. Listen when she talks. Acknowledge her feelings and try to be understanding. Read books or websites on PPD to educate yourself and what she is going through. I recommend that friends and family members read "Living Beyond Postpartum Depression" by Jerusha Clark. She has chapters of her book that are dedicated to those suffering alongside a woman with PPD. This book is very helpful. It gives the perspective of friends and family members with personal stories from those who have been there. Even if you do not read the entire book, at least read the chapters that pertain to you! Know that a woman suffering with PPD will have her ups and downs. One day you may see progress and the next week she may seem worse than she did to begin with. Even though it may be difficult, continue to support her and let her know that you are there for her. She needs to know that she can talk openly with you and you will not judge her.
Make sure you take care of yourself while you are taking care of her! Support is so helpful to someone with PPD, so don't get so overwhelmed yourself that you cannot help her. Do what you can, but don't get so involved that it starts causing you to get down or to feel hopeless. This will end at some point. It may be next week, it may be next year, but hang in there. She will appreciate you more than you know even if she does not express it while she is going through all of this.
Remember that no matter how many times you tell her that she shouldn't feel guilty, she probably still will feel guilty. She is probably having tons of thoughts about things and is feeling guilty about them. Until she fully realizes that it is not her and that it is the PPD, she will probably still feel a lot of guilt. The guilt will subside some, but it will probably continue to sneak up on her from time to time.
One thing that I still deal with is whenever my son turns another month older. Those milestones remind me of how long I have been dealing with PPD. I start having feelings such as "It has been 7 months. I should be over this by now!" or "If he is 8 months and I am still dealing with PPD, it is never going to end!" Although these thoughts are not good to dwell on, I tend to dwell on them anyway. Every day and every month that PPD continues to effect me makes me angry, so I usually go through some sort of grief and guilt. Thankfully I have a great support system and they help me to stay encouraged as much as possible. Make sure you are there to encourage your loved one!
I am no expert on PPD and I'm not claiming to be. I am not a Psychologist nor am I a Therapist. These recommendations solely come from my experience. I'm just hoping that my experiences can help someone else whether that be the mother suffering with PPD or the friend or family member of the mother. Please consult with professionals as needed!
