So it seems that as I have ventured through this journey, things would get better for a little while, then I would be down again, then I would be better, and then the anger would strike! For some reason, I would have these cycles of intense anger. I would have times when I would have no patience and I would feel so angry I could have busted down a wall!!! Have you ever felt like...wow, I would LOVE to throw a glass against the wall and just hear it shatter and fall to the ground? That may sound strange to some of you, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way!
As I dealt with all of that anger and aggression, my poor husband typically got the brunt of everything. There were times when he could do everything, and I would still find the one thing that he didn't do and I would be so angry. Sometimes I didn't even realize that I was being so rude and disrespectful until later in the day. I think back over what has happened, and I feel really bad. I was talking to a friend a few months ago and I was telling her about these feelings. I didn't try to sugar-coat anything or try to make myself look better. I told her straight-up how I had been acting towards my husband. Because she is my friend, she didn't say, "I know what you mean, I'm angry sometimes too and we have a right to be!" Instead, she told me the truth which was, "Wow, Andrea, you can't be like that." I agreed with her and told her that I didn't want to be like that, but the intense anger was sometimes so overwhelming that I felt out of control.
At the next appointment I had with my Psychiatrist, I told him about this anger and about how I typically have the anger against my husband. I was shocked when he said that was normal. I argued saying that my husband had been wonderful and I had no reason to be angry with him. Again, he said that it was normal to feel this way with PPD. He talked to me about whether I was feeling some resentment towards my husband. I told him that I was. I told him that sometimes I would be perfectly fine, but at other times I would look at my husband and think about how unfair it was for him to get all of the benefits of having a child, but he didn't have to go through everything I had to go through. There were times when he would have days off and could actually relax and I felt like I never had that time because I was either working or taking care of our son. My doctor spoke with me about how things would get better and about how this is a normal thing for me to be feeling. It felt good to know that I was not the only one experiencing this anger and that my doctor didn't look at me like I was crazy for the things I was disclosing.
I want women to know that there might be an intense cycle of anger that you go through during PPD. I want women to somewhat expect it so that they can be prepared. It's very hard to have these feelings and to think you are just rude, ungrateful, mean, hateful, etc. I'm not saying that I didn't have any control over the things I said or did, but I felt a sense of relief when I was told that this is common with PPD. At least I had hope that it would pass and things would get better instead of feeling that I was going to be "stuck" like this forever. If you find yourself in this situation, I would encourage you to communicate this with your husband and with those you trust. If they truly support you, they will help you through this time and be understanding. If you happen to be the family or friend of someone going through this, please do not be judgemental of the woman's behavior or thinking. Try not to take things personal and instead realize that if you are being "attacked" (and I don't mean physically), it really isn't about you, it is about the war of emotions and hormones going on in that woman's body! Be encouraged and know that "this too shall pass" and things will eventually get back to normal.
As I dealt with all of that anger and aggression, my poor husband typically got the brunt of everything. There were times when he could do everything, and I would still find the one thing that he didn't do and I would be so angry. Sometimes I didn't even realize that I was being so rude and disrespectful until later in the day. I think back over what has happened, and I feel really bad. I was talking to a friend a few months ago and I was telling her about these feelings. I didn't try to sugar-coat anything or try to make myself look better. I told her straight-up how I had been acting towards my husband. Because she is my friend, she didn't say, "I know what you mean, I'm angry sometimes too and we have a right to be!" Instead, she told me the truth which was, "Wow, Andrea, you can't be like that." I agreed with her and told her that I didn't want to be like that, but the intense anger was sometimes so overwhelming that I felt out of control.
At the next appointment I had with my Psychiatrist, I told him about this anger and about how I typically have the anger against my husband. I was shocked when he said that was normal. I argued saying that my husband had been wonderful and I had no reason to be angry with him. Again, he said that it was normal to feel this way with PPD. He talked to me about whether I was feeling some resentment towards my husband. I told him that I was. I told him that sometimes I would be perfectly fine, but at other times I would look at my husband and think about how unfair it was for him to get all of the benefits of having a child, but he didn't have to go through everything I had to go through. There were times when he would have days off and could actually relax and I felt like I never had that time because I was either working or taking care of our son. My doctor spoke with me about how things would get better and about how this is a normal thing for me to be feeling. It felt good to know that I was not the only one experiencing this anger and that my doctor didn't look at me like I was crazy for the things I was disclosing.
I want women to know that there might be an intense cycle of anger that you go through during PPD. I want women to somewhat expect it so that they can be prepared. It's very hard to have these feelings and to think you are just rude, ungrateful, mean, hateful, etc. I'm not saying that I didn't have any control over the things I said or did, but I felt a sense of relief when I was told that this is common with PPD. At least I had hope that it would pass and things would get better instead of feeling that I was going to be "stuck" like this forever. If you find yourself in this situation, I would encourage you to communicate this with your husband and with those you trust. If they truly support you, they will help you through this time and be understanding. If you happen to be the family or friend of someone going through this, please do not be judgemental of the woman's behavior or thinking. Try not to take things personal and instead realize that if you are being "attacked" (and I don't mean physically), it really isn't about you, it is about the war of emotions and hormones going on in that woman's body! Be encouraged and know that "this too shall pass" and things will eventually get back to normal.
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