It is so interesting and eerie to think back on the past 20 months of my life. It's weird to have blocks of time in those months that I don't recall at all. I know that we all have times that we don't remember things, but this is different...trust me.
So last month I sat down and ate dinner with a friend. During our meal we began discussing how our lives had changed and we reflected on where we used to be. My friend brought up an instance regarding my struggle with PPD. She said that she and I met for lunch one day when I was on maternity leave. I showed up looking a complete mess! She continued the story stating that I had told her that I was very tired and I was not sleeping well at all. She asked where my son was and I responded that he was spending the night with my parents. This caught her off-guard because she didn't think that I would allow him to go anywhere, and especially not allow him to stay overnight somewhere, with him being so young. My friend explained that I told her about my struggles with my son having his nights and days confused. She could sense that something was wrong. She said that she very gently approached the subject of PPD. My friend said that I was very defensive and that I told her that my doctor had said that it was just the baby blues and that I was just fine. She said that she tried to talk about it with me a little bit more because she was concerned, but I responded with complete denial and kept saying that there was no way I had PPD and that everything was normal. As my friend shared her memory of that day with me, I sat in complete shock! I had no recollection of this taking place at all. I asked her when it was and where we ate lunch. She shared the details. I thought very hard, but still I could not recall the moment at all. I joked with her for a little while stating that she was just teasing me and that this never really happened, but she continued to say that it did. She said she was really worried about me because I didn't look like or act like myself.
Although this wasn't any big incident, it is still crazy to me that I don't remember this at all. I don't remember arguing that I was fine and that I didn't have PPD. There have been several other things that my husband has mentioned or other friends have mentioned and I have no recollection of them. There are other "memories" that are starting to come back. It's like something happens and then all of a sudden a memory comes back and I just stare in disbelief like "Wow, that really did happen, how could I have forgotten that?"
As I am on my way to recovery, most of the time when these "flashbacks" hit me, I just sit amazed. I'm amazed that God brought me so far. In the midst of the worst of my depression, I was having thoughts of leaving for good and ending my life. I felt that I had no hope to live another day. I felt so sad, flat, and like I was going through time completely numb. Today, I live each day happy that God has turned things around. I get excited about spending time with my son. I am happy to have time together as a family and I am so THANKFUL that God has brought me through to the other side of this storm I was stuck in.
This Thanksgiving, try your best to spend time with family and friends, even if you don't feel like it. Secluding yourself and being alone with your thoughts will not help your depression at all. When you are left alone just with your thoughts, it's easy to make yourself believe some crazy things. Surround yourself with the people that love you. You don't have to talk much. You don't have to wear a smile on your face. You don't even have to fake that everything is okay. Just be there, in the moment, surrounded by the people who love you and just take it all in. Maybe, just maybe, their joy and laughter will suck you in and you can forget about the pain and loneliness you feel on the inside. In these moments, God can begin to heal you. He can remind you that there is HOPE for tomorrow, and He can remind you that you are LOVED and you are NOT ALONE.
Happy Thanksgiving! :-)
So last month I sat down and ate dinner with a friend. During our meal we began discussing how our lives had changed and we reflected on where we used to be. My friend brought up an instance regarding my struggle with PPD. She said that she and I met for lunch one day when I was on maternity leave. I showed up looking a complete mess! She continued the story stating that I had told her that I was very tired and I was not sleeping well at all. She asked where my son was and I responded that he was spending the night with my parents. This caught her off-guard because she didn't think that I would allow him to go anywhere, and especially not allow him to stay overnight somewhere, with him being so young. My friend explained that I told her about my struggles with my son having his nights and days confused. She could sense that something was wrong. She said that she very gently approached the subject of PPD. My friend said that I was very defensive and that I told her that my doctor had said that it was just the baby blues and that I was just fine. She said that she tried to talk about it with me a little bit more because she was concerned, but I responded with complete denial and kept saying that there was no way I had PPD and that everything was normal. As my friend shared her memory of that day with me, I sat in complete shock! I had no recollection of this taking place at all. I asked her when it was and where we ate lunch. She shared the details. I thought very hard, but still I could not recall the moment at all. I joked with her for a little while stating that she was just teasing me and that this never really happened, but she continued to say that it did. She said she was really worried about me because I didn't look like or act like myself.
Although this wasn't any big incident, it is still crazy to me that I don't remember this at all. I don't remember arguing that I was fine and that I didn't have PPD. There have been several other things that my husband has mentioned or other friends have mentioned and I have no recollection of them. There are other "memories" that are starting to come back. It's like something happens and then all of a sudden a memory comes back and I just stare in disbelief like "Wow, that really did happen, how could I have forgotten that?"
As I am on my way to recovery, most of the time when these "flashbacks" hit me, I just sit amazed. I'm amazed that God brought me so far. In the midst of the worst of my depression, I was having thoughts of leaving for good and ending my life. I felt that I had no hope to live another day. I felt so sad, flat, and like I was going through time completely numb. Today, I live each day happy that God has turned things around. I get excited about spending time with my son. I am happy to have time together as a family and I am so THANKFUL that God has brought me through to the other side of this storm I was stuck in.
This Thanksgiving, try your best to spend time with family and friends, even if you don't feel like it. Secluding yourself and being alone with your thoughts will not help your depression at all. When you are left alone just with your thoughts, it's easy to make yourself believe some crazy things. Surround yourself with the people that love you. You don't have to talk much. You don't have to wear a smile on your face. You don't even have to fake that everything is okay. Just be there, in the moment, surrounded by the people who love you and just take it all in. Maybe, just maybe, their joy and laughter will suck you in and you can forget about the pain and loneliness you feel on the inside. In these moments, God can begin to heal you. He can remind you that there is HOPE for tomorrow, and He can remind you that you are LOVED and you are NOT ALONE.
Happy Thanksgiving! :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment