With Seth sleeping through the night (most nights), I was more encouraged to go back to work. I had feared going back to work while still being up with him off and on throughout the night, but it seemed that there was finally some light at the end of the tunnel!! While I was very happy about my son sleeping through the night, I was also getting nervous about going back to work. My job is very stressful and I was very worried that it would add to my depression. I was somewhat excited at the same time. I was ready to talk to adults again and to get back into my routine. I just wasn't sure how my routine was going to be with having to get a baby ready and off to daycare in the morning too.
As my first day back approached, I started to get everything prepared. I was thinking of the most effective ways to start my mornings. I laid out Seth's clothes for the entire week so I would not have to find clothes in the mornings. I had his diaper bag packed and ready to go. The day before I went back to work, Seth and I visited the daycare. I took his diapers, formula, nursery water, wipes, and whatever else he needed so that I wouldn't have to bring them the next morning. The visit went well. The daycare employees were very kind and reassuring. After our visit, we went back home and I spent time with my son as I mapped everything out in my mind. I tried to prepare myself for the journey that was ahead of me with my job. I tried to think positively about returning to work and my son going to daycare.
The fateful day arrived. I woke up around 5:45am and got myself ready in a hurry. Things went mostly as planned. I got Seth ready around 6:30am. His clothes were laid out and ready to go. I gave him a bottle and before I knew it, we were out the door. As I drove to the daycare, several thoughts were running through my head. I thought about how friends had told me about taking their child to daycare for the first couple of weeks and how hard it was. They talked about how they cried every day after dropping them off. I was wondering how I was going to react. We got to the daycare and I talked to the worker for a few minutes and told Seth my "good-byes". As I walked out of the door, I felt a sense of relief rather than sadness. This made me upset. I couldn't believe that I was relieved to drop him off especially to go to work! I almost started to cry because I was not sad about leaving him. I got to work and everyone welcomed me back. They asked how I did that morning and I told them the truth. They tried to reassure me that everyone feels differently about dropping their kids off at daycare and that it was nothing to worry about. I still felt horrible. I truly loved my child, but for some reason, I was always relieved when someone else was caring for him. I went through my day trying to get back in the grind of things. I called and checked on Seth one time and they said he was doing pretty good.
As the day carried on, I started to have anxiety about whether or not the daycare was going to follow Seth's routine. I worried that he would be off schedule and not sleep through the night. My stress and anxiety continued to rise. I tried to busy myself with reading the over 400 emails in my inbox. By the end of the day, I couldn't wait to pick up my son because I really wanted to know every detail about his day and his naps. I went to the daycare and spoke with the worker who informed me that everything went according to schedule and that he was a happy baby. I agreed and was relieved to hear that he was still on schedule.
We got home and I was exhausted. I wondered how working mothers did this every day. I thought it was going to be impossible. I worked for one day and already I was exhausted and was worried that I wouldn't make it the rest of the week. Thankfully I did make it through the rest of the week. I had a lot of anxiety and worried a lot, but I made it. As much as I loved my son, I wished that things were back to "normal". I wanted to go to work, come home, and do what I wanted to do. I did not want to have to tend to a crying baby who needed constant attention. I started resenting my son. I felt like he had taken everything away from me. Not only did I have anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, I also was having an identity crisis. I did not feel like myself, nor did I act like myself. Everything had changed. Things were just fine, actually wonderful, before my son was born, but now everything was screwed up! I kept asking myself why I did this. Why did I have a baby when everything was great before? I dreaded the months and years ahead of me. I didn't want to be a mom. I didn't want to have a baby, and I certainly did not want to go through postpartum depression. If things weren't hard enough, work started to get even more stressful. There were countless changes to my job and I was slammed with 11 cases on my first day back. Nothing about the future, on my job and in my personal life, looked good. I was thankful to have my job, but I had no idea how I was going to handle everything.
As the weeks passed, I had several ups and downs with my depression. My coworkers were more than supportive. They offered to watch my son if needed, and they told me to come to them if I needed anything. I cannot express how thankful I am for my coworkers. They have made this whole adjustment much easier. They have been there for me when I felt like I couldn't do one more thing. They offered to help as much as possible, and they took lunch breaks with me which really helped relieve some stress! Although I only told a few of them my entire story, they were there for me and embraced me with open arms.
Looking back, I'm not sure how I made it through this huge adjustment other than due to the power of prayer. There must have been several people praying for me because just when I didn't think I could take one more thing, I did. When I thought I was not going to make it, I did (and still am). It's amazing how God puts people in your life for a reason. I thank God for wonderful coworkers who are still helping me through this today. They have been an instrumental part of my recovery. Just when I thought things couldn't get worse...they did. Even with all of the support from my coworkers, my church family, my parents, and my husband, I was still having a very difficult time overcoming the depression and anxiety. I thought things were looking up, but some significant things happened in my life that caused me to have a downward spiral.
I cannot imagine anyone going through this without support. If you know anyone suffering with postpartum depression, please refer them to my blog. They can also contact me through email (my email address is listed on the blog page). I would love to be there for someone who is going through this awful disorder.
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