Things You May Encounter on this CrAzY Journey

If you have read my previous posts, you probably already know a lot of the things that I encountered on this crazy journey, but this post is going to sum up some of those things.  I'm hoping that this post will help those suffering with PPD by making it clear that you are not alone in this journey--several others have gone before you and experienced the same things you are experiencing now.  I'm also hoping that this post will help those who are suffering alongside someone with PPD--hopefully this post will make you aware of some of the things that can happen while your loved one suffers from PPD.

Below is a list of some of the things you MAY encounter while going through PPD:

1.  Extreme sadness- this isn't just the "I'm sad because I don't fit my pre-pregnancy pants" type of sadness, this is the type of sadness that makes you feel hopeless.  No matter what things you accomplish in a day, you are unable to see things ever getting better and you think you will always feel this way.  Let me just say, this is a very deceptive type of depression because you really do feel like these feelings will never go away, but please know, they will.  With the right help (whether it be from your friends and family or from a psychologist/psychiatrist), things WILL get better.

2.  Feelings of not wanting your baby- I know this sounds like a horrible way to feel (especially if you are not the one suffering from PPD), but several mothers have these feelings while going through PPD.  What these mothers need are people who are not going to be judgmental!  It is important to feel like you have someone to talk to who will allow you to express your feelings wholly and truthfully.  This includes someone who can handle hearing that you do not want your baby...that you wish you would have never had the baby.  Again, this may sound harsh, but I'm not going to lie, I dealt with these feelings.  Thankfully, I was surrounded by very supportive people who allowed me to voice how I was feeling without making me feel like a horrible person!  This is KEY.  No one WANTS to feel this way, so making someone feel badly about feeling this way just further adds to the depression and guilt that these mothers are already facing.  That leads me to my next point...

 

3.  Guilt- I've written a lot about guilt throughout my blog because it is such a huge factor in all of this.  Mothers suffering from PPD deal with a lot of guilt.  Guilt for not bonding/attaching to their child right away.  Guilt for having feelings about not wanting their baby.  Guilt for not emotionally being there for their family and new baby.  Guilt for feeling like they can't keep it together including being able to complete things that they used to complete without any problems before they had the baby.  Guilt for sucking the energy out of friends and family who are trying to help them.  Guilt for not just being able to make themselves feel better.  And the list goes on and on.  Again, I just have to reiterate the fact that the biggest help I received was from people willing to listen to my problems and feelings without judging me or making me feel like I was just making things worse than what they really were.

 

4.  Anxiety- not everyone with PPD will have issues with anxiety, but some will.  The anxiety can range from mild to extreme.  For example, my anxiety included constant worry, nervousness, and panic attacks.  I can't even remember exactly what I worried about besides my child never sleeping through the night and how that was affecting me!  I would get so worked up that my heart rate would increase, I would begin sweating, I couldn't keep my legs still, and I would break out in hives.  Again, not everyone will experience anxiety, so don't think that if you are not experiencing it now that it means you will--that is definitely NOT the case.  You may not have it at all, and that is great!  For those who do have issues with anxiety, it is good to talk through any of the things that the anxiety is stemming from.  Sometimes just talking things out rationally will allow you to see that your fears/worries are not warranted--not that someone should say this and not validate your feelings, but rather, through discussion, others can help bring your anxiety level down.  You may have anxiety so severe that you need medication--don't beat yourself up over this, sometimes it's just necessary to help you through a rough time, it doesn't mean you will be on medication forever.

 

5.  Sleep deprivation- now this goes for every parent!  Having a newborn in the home definitely throws many things off especially SLEEP!  However, if you are experiencing PPD, you may have issues sleeping due to anxiety.  From my own personal experience, I found myself not being able to sleep even when my baby was asleep because I would start having panic attacks.  Sleep deprivation by itself can affect so many things.  Those of you helping someone with PPD, this is an area that you can assist with!  If the mother is open to it, volunteer to care for the child so the mother can get some sleep.  The ways that mothers feel about this will be different.  Some mothers will not feel comfortable allowing someone else to watch their newborn baby while others will welcome this respite.  It is important that you talk to the mother about how this can be arranged so that it will not cause anxiety or more anxiety.  For me, it was difficult to allow myself to sleep if I could hear my baby crying in my home, so I only really got rest if my child was not in my home.  I had a friend who lived two houses away from me who took my newborn overnight so I could get some sleep--thank God because I NEEDED that!  I also had my parents who would take my newborn for at least two nights a week for a few weeks in order for me to get some rest and to address my PPD issues.  Some mothers would prefer that their child be watched in their home while they sleep in another part of the home, this works great too.  The main point is...just be sensitive to the mother's feelings so that you will be a help!  Trust me, when planned right, the mother will not be able to thank you enough!

 

6.  Feelings of doom- these are the feelings that make someone suffering with PPD feel like the PPD will never end.  I remember feeling like I would always feel the way that I did after I first had my baby, but as time will show, things will change and life will get better, it's just making it through these rough times until things start to smooth back out.  My husband helped me to get through this.  He would continuously tell me that things would not always be this way.  At times, I would argue and say that I thought that several months before, but things still had not changed, while at other times it was good to hear someone else say that this too would pass and that things would get better.

 

7.  Resentment- some women may feel resentment towards others.  This resentment may stem from another mother having a baby at about the same time as you do and seeing that they are not having the issues that you are having.  It may be resentment towards your husband for several reasons.  One reason specifically could be that your husband gets to continue on with his life without having to deal with PPD personally; however, as you get better, you will realize that the PPD had much more of an effect on your husband than what you realized.  It could be due to feeling that your husband does not have as much responsibility as you do regarding the care of your child.  I'm sure this type of resentment occurs in relationships where PPD is not present just because as mothers, we typically do take on more of the caregiving role.  This can be a difficult topic to address with someone suffering from PPD because  it can be a touchy subject.  These discussions need to be well planned because it is easy for the two parties to begin blaming each other rather than trying to find a solution to help the mother overcome the resentment that has built up. 

 

Again, these are just some things that you MAY encounter while on this CrAzY journey.  I hope that by reading these things, you will feel that you are not alone.  I hope that you will feel that it is not uncommon to have these types of feelings and that these things will eventually come to an end---life WILL get better.  I hope that your loved ones can learn new ways to positively support you during this difficult time. 

 

As time passes, you will begin to see the positive changes that are occurring in your life.  Although it is a difficult journey, you will have the ability to reach so many other women due to your life experiences.  If you can get to a place where you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with others, you can really make an impact on others who are struggling with PPD or other types of depression.  What better way to have good come from this journey than to help others?  Keep your head up, stay in the Word, and STAND no matter what comes your way.  This too shall pass.

Opinions about Motherhood

The alarm goes off.  It's 5:45am.  Time to get the day started so that I can get myself ready before getting my son up and getting him ready.  Ugh, I'm tired!  It doesn't help that last night I stayed up until almost midnight because I finally had a chance to read some of the book I've been wanting to finish!  So, here goes another day.  After I'm done getting ready, I get my son up, who isn't happy to be up either.  We struggle through getting him to the potty and getting him dressed.  He's happy to eat breakfast but doesn't want to sit in his seat!  Time to put his coat on...ummmm, no, he is not liking that!  I struggle to put his coat on and tell him to go to the front door because we are going bye-bye.  He simply states, "No."  Again, I tell him to go to the front door because we are leaving.  He again says "No" with a little more umph!  I grab his hand and start walking with him to the door.  He acts as if he has no muscles in his legs and starts hanging from my hand.  I stop, tell him to stand up, and he doesn't listen.  Again, I tell him to stand up.  I let go of his hand and he lays on the floor.  By this time, I'm getting frustrated.  I tell him to stand up or he will be going to the corner.  He slowly (at a snail's pace) gets up and shuffles to the front door.  He stands in front of the mirror by the door and won't move.  I tell him to go out the door.  He stands there.  I tell him to "c'mon".  He stands there.  I juggle my bags around and pick him up (not easy when he is 37 pounds)!  I get him outside, put him down, and lock the door.  He runs to the other side of the porch.  I tell him to come to mommy so I can help him down the stairs.  He stands there staring at me.  I want to scream!  I tell him to c'mon and we will eat some muffins in the car.  He gives in and takes my hand.  We walk to the car, but as we approach it he starts yelling "NO!  No!  No bye-bye!"  I tell him that we have to go and mommy has to go to work.  He starts whining and crying.  I pick him up and attempt to put him in his car seat.  He stiffens up.  I tell him to sit down.  He doesn't listen.  I tell him to sit down again and I help with this a little.  He keeps telling me no and crying.  After buckling him in, I shut the door and take a deep breath.  I go around to the other side and get in.  He's still crying.  I look back at him and tell him to calm down.  I turn up the radio.  He quiets down and asks for a muffin.  I give him one and he seems to be okay.  We pull up to the daycare and he starts again with the "No's".  After I get him out of the car, we walk up to the daycare and once inside he is fine until he realizes I'm leaving...then more crying starts.  I kiss him, tell him I love him and leave with the sound of his crying haunting me as I go.  I realize, it's only 7:35am and I'm already exhausted!

Motherhood...okay, so every day isn't like this.  Thank God!  We have some really good mornings where everything goes smoothly and he's a little angel.  I treasure those moments!  It's those bad mornings that get me!  I reflect back to my days before having a child and realize how easy life was!  Granted, I wouldn't change having my little man here with me for anything, but he certainly reminds me of how easy things were!!  Moments like these start some interesting conversations.

I hear my friends talk about motherhood and how much they love being a mom and I think to myself, am I the only one who thinks motherhood is crazy?  This is where I start to get crazy looks from my friends if I start sharing my feelings.  It's such a taboo topic talking about whether or not someone enjoys being a mom.  I share my feelings despite the feedback I might get.  I share that I don't like being a mom.  I like being my son's mom and sharing his life with him, but I don't like being a mom.  I don't like being completely responsible for another human being.  I don't like having the weight of extremely important decisions on my shoulders.  Decisions that can help to form my son into a good man or cause him to be a spoiled little brat.  I don't want the responsibility of that!  When he is throwing his tantrums in public and I see everyone staring, I hate the pressure.  I know some people are thinking, "She needs to get that child under control.  He just needs a good spanking!"  While others are thinking, "I can't believe she just smacked his bottom!  Maybe if she would sit down and talk to him instead of just spanking him, he wouldn't be this out of control!"  The pressure of it all just consumes me because I know I will never be right in every one's eyes...it's just not possible!  So why do I put this pressure on myself?  I have no idea!  Why do I take that pressure and allow it to cause me anxiety?  Again, I have no idea!  I guess I just like to please people and not let them down.

I hear mothers talk about how being a mom is the most rewarding thing they have ever done.  I would have to say that maybe I will think the same thing as my son gets older, but as of right now while my son is 2 1/2 years old, I would have to say that it is not feeling like the most rewarding job!  :)  I know, this too shall pass!  Now, don't get me wrong.  My son is wonderful!  He is a sweet boy who loves his mommy and daddy.  He is full of energy and makes us laugh.  I love the feel of his little arms around my neck when he hugs me.  I love it when he kisses MY booboo's and makes them all better!  LOL!  He is great!  This is where people get confused.  A lot of people think that if you don't like motherhood that means that you don't love and enjoy your child--WRONG!  That is not the case at all.  This is where the guilt comes in.  It seems that as moms, if we say anything negative about motherhood that we are directly relating that to our children, but that is not the case.  My wonderful little boy has nothing to do with my feelings about being a parent.  His behavior now is just like several other 2 and 3 year old children...trying!  His behavior and personality have nothing to do with my feelings.  Of course, he wears me out and I'm exhausted most of the time, but that's typical.  What I'm trying to say here, is that if you are having these feelings about motherhood (you know, the "I'm not dancing around and singing all of the time because I'm a mommy"), you should not feel bad or feel guilty.  It would be nice if we could just openly express our feelings without being judged.  Just because I don't give the usual answer regarding my feelings about being a mom does not mean that I'm any less of a mom than anyone else.  It just means I'm honest!

There are times when I feel like I need a break from everyone and everything and then there are times that I can't wait to see my son and I don't want to miss a second of my evening with him.  There are times when I hear moms talking about how badly they feel that their children have to go to daycare and they feel badly that they can't just stay home with their kids.  I will openly say, "I was not made to be a stay-at-home mom, so I let my son enjoy his time at daycare while I am at work."  This too has gotten me some grief.  What?  What is wrong with being able to say that I could not stay at home every day with my child?  Some women were made for this and others were not.  I just happen to be in the "others" category!  I don't know what it is about me or my personality that drives me to want to work and interact with adults for part of my day, but that's just how I'm programmed.  I shouldn't be judged for this and neither should you if that is how you are feeling.  Look, not everyone was made to be a police officer, a doctor, or a coroner, so why do we automatically assume that every woman was made to LOVE being a mother and a stay-at-home mother on top of that? 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood, you are not alone!  Don't worry, things come in seasons.  Life with your child will get easier at times, then it will become more difficult and then it will return to being not so hard, and so on.  Don't beat yourself up if you don't have the overly optimistic and wonderful view of motherhood as some of your friends and family.  Don't be pressured into feeling like this means that you are a bad mom and that something is wrong with you.  We are all different.  We were all made to do different things.  I am no less of a parent due to my feelings and opinions about motherhood and neither are you.  I love my son.  I can't imagine my life without him.  We struggle at times, but we make it through and move on.  You will make it too. 

I don't know if the PPD has anything to do with my feelings about motherhood, and I never will know, but regardless, I'm learning, growing, and just trying to be me.  I try to say the difficult things because I know that I am NOT the only mother out there having these types of feelings.  I know what it feels like to be scrutinized for not giving the "perfect" answer about motherhood...the "expected" answer, but I don't care anymore.  I'm not on this earth to win the "I'm the best mom ever" trophy!  I'm here to glorify God and to help others.  I hope in some way this blog entry will at least speak to someone about their feelings about motherhood and will encourage them in knowing that they are not alone!

The Fear of the Depression Returning

Last week I attended an appointment with my psychiatrist just to give him updates on how I have been doing and to see what is next in my treatment.  I figured he would tell me that I was on my way to having my medication decreased and eventually be off of it completely.  Instead, my psychiatrist said that he was decreasing my medication to the lowest dose and that he would probably not lower it again.  I was confused!  What did that mean?  I asked him what he was saying.  He again stated that he would lower my dosage to the lowest dose of this type of medication and that he would likely not lower it again.  I told him that I heard that, but what exactly was he saying?  I said, "So are you saying that I'm never going to be off of medication completely?"  He began explaining the risks of going back into depression if I were to be taken off of the medication completely.  I reminded him of our conversation during my first appointment with him when I had asked him if taking medication now meant that I would have to take it for life.  At that appointment he assured me that I could easily be on medication for a short period of time and then be off of it.  I also remembered him saying that it would likely be about 1 year of treatment, but it differs for each person.  Well, here we are almost 2 years later and he's telling me that I might be on this medication for life? 
We continued to discuss this news.  He said that my depression had lasted for almost 2 years and that it was very difficult for me to come out of it.  Because it lasted so long, he was leery of taking me off of the medication completely fearing that the depression could return, and that it could possibly be worse.  Shockingly, I wasn't at all worried or afraid.  I just looked at him and said that I would like to completely come off of the medication.  He again stated that his professional opinion would be to stay on the lowest dose of the medication for the rest of my life to possibly prevent any future issues with depression.  He stated that he would suggest that I ask another psychiatrist if I was not sure of what to do.  He said that he would monitor me for 6 more months and at my next appointment, we could discuss what to do next.  He said that if I wanted to come off of the medication completely, he would make a plan to wean me off of it.  Again, he stated that his professional/clinical opinion was for me to remain on the medication.
As I sat there, I thought about everything he had said.  I also thought about how the Lord is with me.  Now, I obviously respect the opinion of my psychiatrist or I would have never met with him in the first place, but I also know that my Lord gives complete healing.  I know that I will not need to be on medication for the rest of my life.  I am going to be patient and see how the next 6 months go and pray about it, but I know that God has it all under control.  I'm not advising anyone to not listen to their doctor's medical opinion...please don't mistake my point.  I'm saying that sometimes we need to do a little bit of research on our own and pray about things before making a lifelong decision!
Regardless of what happens, I am thankful that God has brought me this far.  I'm thankful that I enjoy my son each and every day.  Yes, I have days that I want a break and days that I feel like everything is falling apart, but this is normal.  I'm no longer downcast all day long every day.  I no longer feel like I'm doomed.  Things have definitely improved and I feel like myself again.
If you are reading this post and you are feeling defeated, know that things will get better.  Life will not always be the way it is today.  Continue pressing through.  Each day you journey through is one day closer to your recovery.  Try your best not to get caught up in those thoughts of doom and things never changing because that is a LIE.  Things will get better.  One day you will look over at that sweet child of yours and your world will light up.  One day you will finally have those feelings about your child that everyone else has been talking about...one day.  Stay encouraged and be blessed.