If dealing with PPD, being a new mommy, and having a crazy job is not enough, the Holidays bring added stress. I know that I hear from most people that the Holidays stress them out and they feel like they do more running around than enjoying the days--this is not the stress I am referring to. My stress and "blues" are different. This year is especially hard when the Holidays come. I remember just last year being excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas and being very happy and excited about being pregnant. It's crazy that just one short year later, my feelings are almost completely opposite. I used to look forward to the Holidays because I could not wait to spend time with family, but in this stage of my PPD, I prefer to be alone and to not be "bothered" so getting together with everyone is very challenging to say the least. I love my family and am glad that I get to see them, but it is difficult to "press through" all of these feelings and emotions and to try to enjoy myself. It's always fun to reminisce about previous Holidays, but at the same time, it is sad. I want so much to be that person again. I want so much to look forward to the Holidays and spending time with friends and family. I want this all to be over with.
My baby is now 9 months old. This will be his first Christmas and I want to make it special for him, but it's hard when inside I'm falling apart. I thank God that at this point in Seth's young life, he will not remember his first Christmas. We will take the "joyful" pictures and that is what he will be able to look back on. I'm sure that I will remember the pain, but he will not have to endure it--thank God! If the Christmas tree never gets put up and not a single light is hung up, his day will not be affected. If I cry throughout the day, he will not understand nor will he remember. Dealing with "blue Holidays" is very difficult. As I go through this Season, I will try my best to "think upon good things."
I am so thankful that I'm married to a man of God who truly supports me in everything I do. I'm thankful for a son who is healthy and who enjoys even the smallest of things. I am thankful for a job that helps provide for my family. I'm thankful for a warm home where my family can spend time together. I'm thankful for a car that is reliable that allows me to visit family and friends. I'm thankful for parents who are loving and supportive. I'm thankful for a mother-in-law who knows how to make me laugh and who goes with the flow. I'm thankful for my physical health that allows me to chase Seth all over the house now that he is mobile! I have so much to be thankful for and that is what I need to focus on. I have a Lord and Savior who was born just to die for me. I know that if He was willing to die for me because He wants me to live, I also know that He wants to heal me of all of this. I know that He has great things in store for me and my family and that through this trial, He will mold me and shape me into the person that he wants me to become. I know that even when I handle things wrong or when I sulk in my sadness, He still loves me and will never give up on me.
Although it is easy to feel "blue" at Christmas, we have to remember the TRUE meaning of CHRISTmas and what it is all about. Christ was born on this Earth so that we could have eternal life. He was born, touched many lives, and then endured the cross because He loves us so much. This Christmas, try to set aside quality time with your family remembering what the day is really about. Sure it's fun to see your children open their gifts and see their faces light up, but how much more rewarding will it be to see them grow up into men and women of God?
If you are experiencing depression and are having a rough time during the Holidays, think on the things I mentioned above. Remember that the "joy of the Lord is my strength". Keep pressing through and try not to let your eyes get fixed on the storm, but rather keep your eyes on Jesus as he leads you out of this dark place. One day you will be in a better place looking back at all that you went through. You will be able to reach others and minister to others as a result of the things you went through. It's easy to read Scripture and to feel disconnected, but when another Christian can relate and can tell you their testimony, everything falls into place! I cannot wait for the souls I am going to reach. I cannot wait for the opportunity to share my testimony about being healed from PPD and how it changed my life...for the good.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Kick Me While I'm Down
As I tried to deal with going back to work, the constant needs of my son, and other obligations, there were two other situations that were constantly on my mind. Because this blog is not to hurt anyone or to make anyone look bad, I'm going to use fictional names for the people I will be referencing. First of all, there was Larry. Larry was and is someone very close to me. He is someone I truly love and someone I want the best for. Larry was having several problems--his main problem being drug use. Larry was addicted to drugs and that addiction was causing several problems for all of those who were close to him. He lied and stole to meet his needs, and in the process hurt several people. He never stole from me, but hearing about the ways he hurt others broke my heart. You see, Larry was a very likable, lovable man that was and is full of great potential. He started hanging out with the wrong people and got into some very serious drugs. It was hard to see him making decisions in his life that could potentially cause him to die. I wanted to believe the things that Larry said, but it was impossible due to his constant lying. I was very concerned about Larry and I wanted him to get help. I also prayed that the people he was hurting would be able to forgive him and still love him.
Finally, his drug issues were confronted and he left for rehab. I was glad that he was leaving to get the help that he needed, but I was very worried about him. I prayed that God would do amazing things in his life and deliver him from his addictions. It was hard not being able to talk to Larry or see Larry to see if he was improving. I wanted so badly to be there for him, but due to the rules of the rehab center, contact was not allowed. I would hear updates on him through the few people who were able to contact him. I prayed that the changes that he claimed he was making were changes that he would stick with once he finished his rehab. I feared that Larry would get what he needed, but once he returned to the "real world" the temptation would be too much and he would go back to using. There were several days and nights that I cried and cried about Larry and his life. I was so scared that if he did not get the help he needed, that he would eventually die. I could not even stand to think about Larry leaving this earth due to his body craving something that poisoned him. It's so hard to see someone you love going through something so hard and potentially life-threatening. This weighed on my mind...and still does as he continues to struggle with drug use and living a sober life.
The other situation was and still is heavy on my heart as well. A couple that is very close to me, we will call them Jason and Sue, were having a hard time dealing with a decision that I had made. This decision did not directly affect Jason and Sue, but in a sense, they felt that it affected them and because I did not make the decision that they wanted me to make, they decided to "cut ties" with me. This hurt very badly. Being pregnant and expecting your first child is something that you want to share with everyone that you love and that you are close to. It hurt me badly not to be able to share this with them. As the days passed by and I was closer to having my baby, I wondered if Jason and Sue would show up for the birth of my child. This was very important to me. Eventually the day came, I had Seth, and they never showed. It hurts me to even write this. I couldn't believe that they never came. This event in my life could never be lived over again, and they were not there. Jason and Sue did not see my son until 3 weeks after he was born and that was only due to me and my husband bringing Seth to an event where they happened to be present. Their response to my son was not at all what I expected. They looked at him, said a few things, and that was it. What a disappointment! Unfortunately as time has passed, this relationship has not improved, it has actually gotten worse. It is extremely difficult to venture this journey and to deal with the emotions of loss--because that is what I feel. I feel that I have lost Jason and Sue in my life. I feel that they missed out on one of the biggest days of my life and they continue to miss out on Seth growing up and getting older. It is so hard for me not to be angry and to not get bitter. I just cannot understand how people can allow their opinions to keep them from being a part of someones life...if they truly love them. As if my heart wasn't broken enough already, this definitely busted it into more pieces. I hope that one day we will reconcile and we can be a part of each other's lives.
These situations in my life have caused me to feel like I've been kicked while I was already down. I'm already suffering from PPD and everything that comes along with it, and on top of that, I am constantly dealing with the loss of two very close people. It hurts to sit by and watch Seth grow and to know that they have not been a part of his life. Because of their feelings about me, they have missed out on my son and the joy that he brings to people. I definitely need help in dealing with this, so please pray for me. Pray that I will forgive and not allow these things to continue to hurt me and to cause me to become hard and bitter. Pray that God will help me to see that he has placed others in my life who have been supportive, and even though it may not be Jason and Sue, there are others who love me and care about me and will be with me through this journey with my son.
Finally, his drug issues were confronted and he left for rehab. I was glad that he was leaving to get the help that he needed, but I was very worried about him. I prayed that God would do amazing things in his life and deliver him from his addictions. It was hard not being able to talk to Larry or see Larry to see if he was improving. I wanted so badly to be there for him, but due to the rules of the rehab center, contact was not allowed. I would hear updates on him through the few people who were able to contact him. I prayed that the changes that he claimed he was making were changes that he would stick with once he finished his rehab. I feared that Larry would get what he needed, but once he returned to the "real world" the temptation would be too much and he would go back to using. There were several days and nights that I cried and cried about Larry and his life. I was so scared that if he did not get the help he needed, that he would eventually die. I could not even stand to think about Larry leaving this earth due to his body craving something that poisoned him. It's so hard to see someone you love going through something so hard and potentially life-threatening. This weighed on my mind...and still does as he continues to struggle with drug use and living a sober life.
The other situation was and still is heavy on my heart as well. A couple that is very close to me, we will call them Jason and Sue, were having a hard time dealing with a decision that I had made. This decision did not directly affect Jason and Sue, but in a sense, they felt that it affected them and because I did not make the decision that they wanted me to make, they decided to "cut ties" with me. This hurt very badly. Being pregnant and expecting your first child is something that you want to share with everyone that you love and that you are close to. It hurt me badly not to be able to share this with them. As the days passed by and I was closer to having my baby, I wondered if Jason and Sue would show up for the birth of my child. This was very important to me. Eventually the day came, I had Seth, and they never showed. It hurts me to even write this. I couldn't believe that they never came. This event in my life could never be lived over again, and they were not there. Jason and Sue did not see my son until 3 weeks after he was born and that was only due to me and my husband bringing Seth to an event where they happened to be present. Their response to my son was not at all what I expected. They looked at him, said a few things, and that was it. What a disappointment! Unfortunately as time has passed, this relationship has not improved, it has actually gotten worse. It is extremely difficult to venture this journey and to deal with the emotions of loss--because that is what I feel. I feel that I have lost Jason and Sue in my life. I feel that they missed out on one of the biggest days of my life and they continue to miss out on Seth growing up and getting older. It is so hard for me not to be angry and to not get bitter. I just cannot understand how people can allow their opinions to keep them from being a part of someones life...if they truly love them. As if my heart wasn't broken enough already, this definitely busted it into more pieces. I hope that one day we will reconcile and we can be a part of each other's lives.
These situations in my life have caused me to feel like I've been kicked while I was already down. I'm already suffering from PPD and everything that comes along with it, and on top of that, I am constantly dealing with the loss of two very close people. It hurts to sit by and watch Seth grow and to know that they have not been a part of his life. Because of their feelings about me, they have missed out on my son and the joy that he brings to people. I definitely need help in dealing with this, so please pray for me. Pray that I will forgive and not allow these things to continue to hurt me and to cause me to become hard and bitter. Pray that God will help me to see that he has placed others in my life who have been supportive, and even though it may not be Jason and Sue, there are others who love me and care about me and will be with me through this journey with my son.
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