Well, the day we arrived home (3/18/10) was interesting. I remember laying a big blanket on the living room floor and placing Seth on the floor. I laid next to him and we just stared at one another. I was wondering how I was going to connect with this little baby laying beside me. I had been nursing and thought that due to nursing I would automatically have a stronger connection to my child, but again, what I thought ended up being wrong. My mom came and stayed with us for about five days. I am so grateful to her for helping us. I felt completely helpless and although I had prepared for the baby, I had no idea what to do once I got home. It was as if I had never even been around a baby before. My mom showed me and my husband how to bathe Seth and how to clean his umbilical cord. She showed us several other things. She helped with washing bottles, doing laundry, and making meals. I have no idea what I would have done without her. I felt like I was completely inadequate and that there was NO possible way that I could do everything without her. I cried every day--multiple times per day. I cried about how I was not sure what to do with this new baby. I cried about feeling like I could not handle all of the motherly duties that I was supposed to be taking on. I cried about being worried about Seth not eating enough, spitting up too much, not sleeping enough, not being on a schedule, and on and on. Every time someone told me that I should be doing something that I had not done, I was immediately overtaken in anxiety. I would constantly think about what I had been doing wrong. I thought about how now my son was going to be "screwed up" because I had not made the right decisions. I worried and worried and worried to the point of having panic attacks.
The panic attacks started about three or four days after being home. I would try so hard to sleep, but I couldn't. Every time I went to lay down, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was worried about Seth. I was worried about me actually getting some sleep. I was worried about everything! I would lay down and not be able to fall asleep. I would lay on my side and I could not quit moving my legs, I would start sweating, my feet would start going numb, and my heart would start racing. With all of that going on, it was impossible to sleep. If I got up and made myself busy, some of the anxiety would go away, but there was always some there because I was worried about not getting any sleep. Eventually the panic attacks worsened. I could not sleep at all and I was breaking out in hives on top of all of the other issues. I was virtually running on little to no sleep and felt like I had made the worst decision of my life.
Because of this, I was constantly asking myself why I had made the decision to have a child. I thought we were wrong in having a baby and maybe we were better off without having a child to begin with. Unfortunately this feeling did not go away for several months. I know that most moms go through a phase of emotions, possibly the baby blues, but you know it is something different when the weeks turn into months and you are still not better. The hives worsened and so did my depression. I thank God for my supportive husband and my wonderful mom who helped support me through these first days and every day since then. I thank my God who heard every one of my cries. I might not have felt like He heard them at the time, but looking back, He definitely did or I wouldn't be here today.
Eventually my mom had to go back home. I was thankful for her stay, but I had NO idea how I was going to handle this on my own. My husband worked from 11pm until 7am, so I was really in a bind! I just could not get over my thoughts...of making the biggest mistake of my life!
No comments:
Post a Comment