The Fear of the Depression Returning

Last week I attended an appointment with my psychiatrist just to give him updates on how I have been doing and to see what is next in my treatment.  I figured he would tell me that I was on my way to having my medication decreased and eventually be off of it completely.  Instead, my psychiatrist said that he was decreasing my medication to the lowest dose and that he would probably not lower it again.  I was confused!  What did that mean?  I asked him what he was saying.  He again stated that he would lower my dosage to the lowest dose of this type of medication and that he would likely not lower it again.  I told him that I heard that, but what exactly was he saying?  I said, "So are you saying that I'm never going to be off of medication completely?"  He began explaining the risks of going back into depression if I were to be taken off of the medication completely.  I reminded him of our conversation during my first appointment with him when I had asked him if taking medication now meant that I would have to take it for life.  At that appointment he assured me that I could easily be on medication for a short period of time and then be off of it.  I also remembered him saying that it would likely be about 1 year of treatment, but it differs for each person.  Well, here we are almost 2 years later and he's telling me that I might be on this medication for life? 
We continued to discuss this news.  He said that my depression had lasted for almost 2 years and that it was very difficult for me to come out of it.  Because it lasted so long, he was leery of taking me off of the medication completely fearing that the depression could return, and that it could possibly be worse.  Shockingly, I wasn't at all worried or afraid.  I just looked at him and said that I would like to completely come off of the medication.  He again stated that his professional opinion would be to stay on the lowest dose of the medication for the rest of my life to possibly prevent any future issues with depression.  He stated that he would suggest that I ask another psychiatrist if I was not sure of what to do.  He said that he would monitor me for 6 more months and at my next appointment, we could discuss what to do next.  He said that if I wanted to come off of the medication completely, he would make a plan to wean me off of it.  Again, he stated that his professional/clinical opinion was for me to remain on the medication.
As I sat there, I thought about everything he had said.  I also thought about how the Lord is with me.  Now, I obviously respect the opinion of my psychiatrist or I would have never met with him in the first place, but I also know that my Lord gives complete healing.  I know that I will not need to be on medication for the rest of my life.  I am going to be patient and see how the next 6 months go and pray about it, but I know that God has it all under control.  I'm not advising anyone to not listen to their doctor's medical opinion...please don't mistake my point.  I'm saying that sometimes we need to do a little bit of research on our own and pray about things before making a lifelong decision!
Regardless of what happens, I am thankful that God has brought me this far.  I'm thankful that I enjoy my son each and every day.  Yes, I have days that I want a break and days that I feel like everything is falling apart, but this is normal.  I'm no longer downcast all day long every day.  I no longer feel like I'm doomed.  Things have definitely improved and I feel like myself again.
If you are reading this post and you are feeling defeated, know that things will get better.  Life will not always be the way it is today.  Continue pressing through.  Each day you journey through is one day closer to your recovery.  Try your best not to get caught up in those thoughts of doom and things never changing because that is a LIE.  Things will get better.  One day you will look over at that sweet child of yours and your world will light up.  One day you will finally have those feelings about your child that everyone else has been talking about...one day.  Stay encouraged and be blessed.

So THANKFUL for Recovery!!

It is so interesting and eerie to think back on the past 20 months of my life.  It's weird to have blocks of time in those months that I don't recall at all.  I know that we all have times that we don't remember things, but this is different...trust me.

So last month I sat down and ate dinner with a friend.  During our meal we began discussing how our lives had changed and we reflected on where we used to be.  My friend brought up an instance regarding my struggle with PPD.  She said that she and I met for lunch one day when I was on maternity leave.  I showed up looking a complete mess!  She continued the story stating that I had told her that I was very tired and I was not sleeping well at all.  She asked where my son was and I responded that he was spending the night with my parents.  This caught her off-guard because she didn't think that I would allow him to go anywhere, and especially not allow him to stay overnight somewhere, with him being so young.  My friend explained that I told her about my struggles with my son having his nights and days confused.  She could sense that something was wrong.  She said that she very gently approached the subject of PPD.  My friend said that I was very defensive and that I told her that my doctor had said that it was just the baby blues and that I was just fine.  She said that she tried to talk about it with me a little bit more because she was concerned, but I responded with complete denial and kept saying that there was no way I had PPD and that everything was normal.  As my friend shared her memory of that day with me, I sat in complete shock!  I had no recollection of this taking place at all.  I asked her when it was and where we ate lunch.  She shared the details.  I thought very hard, but still I could not recall the moment at all.  I joked with her for a little while stating that she was just teasing me and that this never really happened, but she continued to say that it did.  She said she was really worried about me because I didn't look like or act like myself.

Although this wasn't any big incident, it is still crazy to me that I don't remember this at all.  I don't remember arguing that I was fine and that I didn't have PPD.  There have been several other things that my husband has mentioned or other friends have mentioned and I have no recollection of them.  There are other "memories" that are starting to come back.  It's like something happens and then all of a sudden a memory comes back and I just stare in disbelief like "Wow, that really did happen, how could I have forgotten that?" 

As I am on my way to recovery, most of the time when these "flashbacks" hit me, I just sit amazed.  I'm amazed that God brought me so far.  In the midst of the worst of my depression, I was having thoughts of leaving for good and ending my life.  I felt that I had no hope to live another day.  I felt so sad, flat, and like I was going through time completely numb.  Today, I live each day happy that God has turned things around.  I get excited about spending time with my son.  I am happy to have time together as a family and I am so THANKFUL that God has brought me through to the other side of this storm I was stuck in.

This Thanksgiving, try your best to spend time with family and friends, even if you don't feel like it.  Secluding yourself and being alone with your thoughts will not help your depression at all.  When you are left alone just with your thoughts, it's easy to make yourself believe some crazy things.  Surround yourself with the people that love you.  You don't have to talk much.  You don't have to wear a smile on your face.  You don't even have to fake that everything is okay.  Just be there, in the moment, surrounded by the people who love you and just take it all in.  Maybe, just maybe, their joy and laughter will suck you in and you can forget about the pain and loneliness you feel on the inside.  In these moments, God can begin to heal you.  He can remind you that there is HOPE for tomorrow, and He can remind you that you are LOVED and you are NOT ALONE.

Happy Thanksgiving!  :-)