Looking Ahead to the Future

Well, my son is 15 months old now and is very active.  Although he hasn't mastered walking yet, he sure does get around.  He crawls at about 20mph!!  He will walk some, but then chooses to get down and crawl like a maniac!  It's amazing to look back over the past 15 months.  God has brought me so far. 

Although there are still periods of time that I cannot remember, most of those first three months have "come back" to me.  Every once in awhile I will suddenly remember something that happened and then I have to think really hard because it's difficult to tell if it is something that really happened or if it is something I just thought of.  Most of the time it is something that happened.  It's so strange to recall things in this way, but I'm just glad that most of those moments are now a happy part of my memory.

As time passes and I look ahead to the future, I get tons of questions about whether or not we will try to have anymore children.  As of this minute in time, my answer is a big NO!  I love Seth with all of my heart and I thank God for allowing him to be a part of our family.  I would not change him for anything.  I'm at a point where I feel like I could be completely happy with just him in our family.  Who knows?  Maybe I will change my mind, but I doubt it!  It's hard to convince myself that I want to have more children when I almost go into a panic attack thinking about some of the things I went through.  I know that things could be much different the second time, but I'm not sure that I'm willing to take the risk. 

I have learned a lot through this experience and I know that God has allowed me to grow because of it, but I still think that I'm totally content with one child.  God has filled my heart with a mother's love for Seth.  I worried and worried that this would never happen, but it has!  I miss him when I haven't seen him all day.  I love to look at him when he is sound asleep.  I love to hear his laughter when I'm tickling him.  I just love that I am his mommy!  This next week is going to be tough for me.  Our daycare is closed and Seth will be staying with his Grandma and Grandpa for a few days.  Before, I was always VERY relieved when my parents watched Seth, but now I am dreading dropping him off.  I don't want him to be gone!!  I am going to miss him sooooo much!  I thank God that I have these feelings!!!  Finally, I feel like our future as a family is bright.  I feel as if things are stabilizing and that although I have my ups and downs, there are certainly several more ups than downs! 

I know in the past, in the middle of everything, it seemed as if there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  It seemed as though these horrible feelings would never end and that I was stuck in this role as a parent and that I would never be happy.  Thank God that things have turned around.  No matter what you are going through, just know that if you keep pressing through, you will make it to the other side.  Once you get to the other side, most likely you will be thankful for all that God has brought you through and you might even realize why you had to go through what you went through.  I know that God is going to use me to help others.  I'm not sure when or how, but I know that He will. 

As you celebrate this 4th of July with your families, please remember all of our soldiers and their families.  There are thousands and thousands of moms over here in the U.S. missing their sons and daughters.  They long to embrace their children and to see them face to face.  Pray for their safety as they serve our Country and pray for their families to find strength and comfort as they await the arrival of their loved one.  I cannot even imagine my son being a soldier serving our Country overseas.  What a challenging experience...knowing that they are doing something good but also knowing that they are always at risk.  Thank you moms for standing by your children and growing them into men and women who love their Country enough to sacrifice their lives for it.  I thank God for them and for you!

When Sadness Turns to ANGER!!

So it seems that as I have ventured through this journey, things would get better for a little while, then I would be down again, then I would be better, and then the anger would strike!  For some reason, I would have these cycles of intense anger.  I would have times when I would have no patience and I would feel so angry I could have busted down a wall!!!  Have you ever felt like...wow, I would LOVE to throw a glass against the wall and just hear it shatter and fall to the ground?  That may sound strange to some of you, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way!

As I dealt with all of that anger and aggression, my poor husband typically got the brunt of everything.  There were times when he could do everything, and I would still find the one thing that he didn't do and I would be so angry.  Sometimes I didn't even realize that I was being so rude and disrespectful until later in the day.  I think back over what has happened, and I feel really bad.  I was talking to a friend a few months ago and I was telling her about these feelings.  I didn't try to sugar-coat anything or try to make myself look better.  I told her straight-up how I had been acting towards my husband.  Because she is my friend, she didn't say, "I know what you mean, I'm angry sometimes too and we have a right to be!"  Instead, she told me the truth which was, "Wow, Andrea, you can't be like that."  I agreed with her and told her that I didn't want to be like that, but the intense anger was sometimes so overwhelming that I felt out of control. 

At the next appointment I had with my Psychiatrist, I told him about this anger and about how I typically have the anger against my husband.  I was shocked when he said that was normal.  I argued saying that my husband had been wonderful and I had no reason to be angry with him.  Again, he said that it was normal to feel this way with PPD.  He talked to me about whether I was feeling some resentment towards my husband.  I told him that I was.  I told him that sometimes I would be perfectly fine, but at other times I  would look at my husband and think about how unfair it was for him to get all of the benefits of having a child, but he didn't have to go through everything I had to go through.  There were times when he would have days off and could actually relax and I felt like I never had that time because I was either working or taking care of our son.  My doctor spoke with me about how things would get better and about how this is a normal thing for me to be feeling.  It felt good to know that I was not the only one experiencing this anger and that my doctor didn't look at me like I was crazy for the things I was disclosing. 

I want women to know that there might be an intense cycle of anger that you go through during PPD.  I want women to somewhat expect it so that they can be prepared.  It's very hard to have these feelings and to think you are just rude, ungrateful, mean, hateful, etc.  I'm not saying that I didn't have any control over the things I said or did, but I felt a sense of relief when I was told that this is common with PPD.  At least I had hope that it would pass and things would get better instead of feeling that I was going to be "stuck" like this forever.  If you find yourself in this situation, I would encourage you to communicate this with your husband and with those you trust.  If they truly support you, they will help you through this time and be understanding.  If you happen to be the family or friend of someone going through this, please do not be judgemental of the woman's behavior or thinking.  Try not to take things personal and instead realize that if you are being "attacked" (and I don't mean physically), it really isn't about you, it is about the war of emotions and hormones going on in that woman's body!  Be encouraged and know that "this too shall pass" and things will eventually get back to normal.