Not More than I can Bear...Yeah Right!

The last few days that my mom was with us, she spoke with my husband about how I may need to get some help.  My husband and I had been praying for healing and we were both putting our faith in God's healing.  I did not seek help from doctors, but rather I just called on the Lord.  He helped me through a lot, but one thing I didn't think about was...God has His own timing, and although I had prayed continually for healing, it didn't mean that it was going to happen right away.  I was very disappointed that I did not receive my healing right away and my depression worsened. 

Before my mom left, two of my friends, Karen and Becky, stopped by to visit.  They were such a blessing.  Neither of them were aware of my condition.  Because they are my friends, they knew right away that something was not right.  They encouraged me and brought gifts for my son.  Becky also brought a gift for me.  It was a necklace that said "Mother".  I still do not think that she realizes how much this meant and still means to me.  I began to cry and thanked her.  I began pouring my heart out to my friends.  Karen and her husband reassured me that there is a period of time after giving birth that a woman is very emotional and that I was probably just going through that phase.  I felt some relief because I thought I was the only one.  It also made me think that this would all end soon!  Unfortunately it didn't, but it was at least good to know that I wasn't the only mom who was bawling my eyes out every day.  Karen and Becky gave me some advice on how to make things easier on myself.  They told me things that they had done with their own children who were also fairly young.  It was helpful. 

One thing that constantly wore on me was Seth having his nights and days confused.  He would be up for hours and hours throughout the night and would sleep all day.  The longer he slept during the day, the more anxiety I would have because I knew I would not be getting any sleep during the night.  My friends continued to reassure me that this would pass and that I would eventually get some sleep.  I definitely appreciated all of their help (and still do).  I was so nervous about everything.  I was logging everything that was going on with Seth and I felt like I was doing everything wrong.  They continued to tell me that I was a good mom and that Seth was healthy, so I was obviously doing something right.  Their visit encouraged me and let me know that I could open up to my friends and they wouldn't think I was crazy (even though I felt like it on the inside).  I kept having thoughts about how mothers have babies every day and they are able to make it through, so why did I feel like I couldn't?  I felt like such a wimp and like such a worthless mother. 

My friend Becky and I talked about a lot of things.  She stayed and listened to me talk on and on about everything.  I don't think she planned to stay as long as she did, but I truly thank her for that.  It is because of Karen and Becky that I was able to later open up to others who would give me strength.

I kept thinking, "Lord, you said that you would not put more on us than we can bear, but I feel like I cannot take anything else.  Why would you give me a child and then allow me to feel this way?  Why do I feel like I don't want him and that my life is ruined?"  I cried and cried and cried about this.  I spent countless hours opening up to my husband about my feelings.  I couldn't even believe the things that were coming out of my mouth.  Was this really me?  The girl who was so excited about having a baby and being a mom.  Did I really feel like my son was an intruder in my life?  How could I have had such a great pregnancy and delivery and then want to just walk away from it all?  It was like I was having an identity crisis and I just wanted to LEAVE. 

Despite those feelings, the Lord did sustain me through everything.  I never left...and trust me, I thought about it all of the time.  If it wasn't for the strength of my Lord, the support of my husband and mom, and the support of my friends, I truly have no idea where I would be.  I honestly may not be on this earth today.  The Lord is true to His Word--He will never put more on you than you can bear, even if you think you cannot take anymore, the Lord will give you the strength to press through.

Our First Week (with my Mom's help)

Well, the day we arrived home (3/18/10) was interesting. I remember laying a big blanket on the living room floor and placing Seth on the floor. I laid next to him and we just stared at one another. I was wondering how I was going to connect with this little baby laying beside me. I had been nursing and thought that due to nursing I would automatically have a stronger connection to my child, but again, what I thought ended up being wrong. My mom came and stayed with us for about five days. I am so grateful to her for helping us. I felt completely helpless and although I had prepared for the baby, I had no idea what to do once I got home. It was as if I had never even been around a baby before. My mom showed me and my husband how to bathe Seth and how to clean his umbilical cord. She showed us several other things. She helped with washing bottles, doing laundry, and making meals. I have no idea what I would have done without her. I felt like I was completely inadequate and that there was NO possible way that I could do everything without her. I cried every day--multiple times per day. I cried about how I was not sure what to do with this new baby. I cried about feeling like I could not handle all of the motherly duties that I was supposed to be taking on. I cried about being worried about Seth not eating enough, spitting up too much, not sleeping enough, not being on a schedule, and on and on. Every time someone told me that I should be doing something that I had not done, I was immediately overtaken in anxiety. I would constantly think about what I had been doing wrong. I thought about how now my son was going to be "screwed up" because I had not made the right decisions. I worried and worried and worried to the point of having panic attacks.

The panic attacks started about three or four days after being home. I would try so hard to sleep, but I couldn't. Every time I went to lay down, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I was worried about Seth. I was worried about me actually getting some sleep. I was worried about everything! I would lay down and not be able to fall asleep. I would lay on my side and I could not quit moving my legs, I would start sweating, my feet would start going numb, and my heart would start racing. With all of that going on, it was impossible to sleep. If I got up and made myself busy, some of the anxiety would go away, but there was always some there because I was worried about not getting any sleep. Eventually the panic attacks worsened. I could not sleep at all and I was breaking out in hives on top of all of the other issues. I was virtually running on little to no sleep and felt like I had made the worst decision of my life.

Because of this, I was constantly asking myself why I had made the decision to have a child. I thought we were wrong in having a baby and maybe we were better off without having a child to begin with. Unfortunately this feeling did not go away for several months. I know that most moms go through a phase of emotions, possibly the baby blues, but you know it is something different when the weeks turn into months and you are still not better. The hives worsened and so did my depression. I thank God for my supportive husband and my wonderful mom who helped support me through these first days and every day since then. I thank my God who heard every one of my cries. I might not have felt like He heard them at the time, but looking back, He definitely did or I wouldn't be here today.

Eventually my mom had to go back home. I was thankful for her stay, but I had NO idea how I was going to handle this on my own. My husband worked from 11pm until 7am, so I was really in a bind! I just could not get over my thoughts...of making the biggest mistake of my life!