Things You May Encounter on this CrAzY Journey

If you have read my previous posts, you probably already know a lot of the things that I encountered on this crazy journey, but this post is going to sum up some of those things.  I'm hoping that this post will help those suffering with PPD by making it clear that you are not alone in this journey--several others have gone before you and experienced the same things you are experiencing now.  I'm also hoping that this post will help those who are suffering alongside someone with PPD--hopefully this post will make you aware of some of the things that can happen while your loved one suffers from PPD.

Below is a list of some of the things you MAY encounter while going through PPD:

1.  Extreme sadness- this isn't just the "I'm sad because I don't fit my pre-pregnancy pants" type of sadness, this is the type of sadness that makes you feel hopeless.  No matter what things you accomplish in a day, you are unable to see things ever getting better and you think you will always feel this way.  Let me just say, this is a very deceptive type of depression because you really do feel like these feelings will never go away, but please know, they will.  With the right help (whether it be from your friends and family or from a psychologist/psychiatrist), things WILL get better.

2.  Feelings of not wanting your baby- I know this sounds like a horrible way to feel (especially if you are not the one suffering from PPD), but several mothers have these feelings while going through PPD.  What these mothers need are people who are not going to be judgmental!  It is important to feel like you have someone to talk to who will allow you to express your feelings wholly and truthfully.  This includes someone who can handle hearing that you do not want your baby...that you wish you would have never had the baby.  Again, this may sound harsh, but I'm not going to lie, I dealt with these feelings.  Thankfully, I was surrounded by very supportive people who allowed me to voice how I was feeling without making me feel like a horrible person!  This is KEY.  No one WANTS to feel this way, so making someone feel badly about feeling this way just further adds to the depression and guilt that these mothers are already facing.  That leads me to my next point...

 

3.  Guilt- I've written a lot about guilt throughout my blog because it is such a huge factor in all of this.  Mothers suffering from PPD deal with a lot of guilt.  Guilt for not bonding/attaching to their child right away.  Guilt for having feelings about not wanting their baby.  Guilt for not emotionally being there for their family and new baby.  Guilt for feeling like they can't keep it together including being able to complete things that they used to complete without any problems before they had the baby.  Guilt for sucking the energy out of friends and family who are trying to help them.  Guilt for not just being able to make themselves feel better.  And the list goes on and on.  Again, I just have to reiterate the fact that the biggest help I received was from people willing to listen to my problems and feelings without judging me or making me feel like I was just making things worse than what they really were.

 

4.  Anxiety- not everyone with PPD will have issues with anxiety, but some will.  The anxiety can range from mild to extreme.  For example, my anxiety included constant worry, nervousness, and panic attacks.  I can't even remember exactly what I worried about besides my child never sleeping through the night and how that was affecting me!  I would get so worked up that my heart rate would increase, I would begin sweating, I couldn't keep my legs still, and I would break out in hives.  Again, not everyone will experience anxiety, so don't think that if you are not experiencing it now that it means you will--that is definitely NOT the case.  You may not have it at all, and that is great!  For those who do have issues with anxiety, it is good to talk through any of the things that the anxiety is stemming from.  Sometimes just talking things out rationally will allow you to see that your fears/worries are not warranted--not that someone should say this and not validate your feelings, but rather, through discussion, others can help bring your anxiety level down.  You may have anxiety so severe that you need medication--don't beat yourself up over this, sometimes it's just necessary to help you through a rough time, it doesn't mean you will be on medication forever.

 

5.  Sleep deprivation- now this goes for every parent!  Having a newborn in the home definitely throws many things off especially SLEEP!  However, if you are experiencing PPD, you may have issues sleeping due to anxiety.  From my own personal experience, I found myself not being able to sleep even when my baby was asleep because I would start having panic attacks.  Sleep deprivation by itself can affect so many things.  Those of you helping someone with PPD, this is an area that you can assist with!  If the mother is open to it, volunteer to care for the child so the mother can get some sleep.  The ways that mothers feel about this will be different.  Some mothers will not feel comfortable allowing someone else to watch their newborn baby while others will welcome this respite.  It is important that you talk to the mother about how this can be arranged so that it will not cause anxiety or more anxiety.  For me, it was difficult to allow myself to sleep if I could hear my baby crying in my home, so I only really got rest if my child was not in my home.  I had a friend who lived two houses away from me who took my newborn overnight so I could get some sleep--thank God because I NEEDED that!  I also had my parents who would take my newborn for at least two nights a week for a few weeks in order for me to get some rest and to address my PPD issues.  Some mothers would prefer that their child be watched in their home while they sleep in another part of the home, this works great too.  The main point is...just be sensitive to the mother's feelings so that you will be a help!  Trust me, when planned right, the mother will not be able to thank you enough!

 

6.  Feelings of doom- these are the feelings that make someone suffering with PPD feel like the PPD will never end.  I remember feeling like I would always feel the way that I did after I first had my baby, but as time will show, things will change and life will get better, it's just making it through these rough times until things start to smooth back out.  My husband helped me to get through this.  He would continuously tell me that things would not always be this way.  At times, I would argue and say that I thought that several months before, but things still had not changed, while at other times it was good to hear someone else say that this too would pass and that things would get better.

 

7.  Resentment- some women may feel resentment towards others.  This resentment may stem from another mother having a baby at about the same time as you do and seeing that they are not having the issues that you are having.  It may be resentment towards your husband for several reasons.  One reason specifically could be that your husband gets to continue on with his life without having to deal with PPD personally; however, as you get better, you will realize that the PPD had much more of an effect on your husband than what you realized.  It could be due to feeling that your husband does not have as much responsibility as you do regarding the care of your child.  I'm sure this type of resentment occurs in relationships where PPD is not present just because as mothers, we typically do take on more of the caregiving role.  This can be a difficult topic to address with someone suffering from PPD because  it can be a touchy subject.  These discussions need to be well planned because it is easy for the two parties to begin blaming each other rather than trying to find a solution to help the mother overcome the resentment that has built up. 

 

Again, these are just some things that you MAY encounter while on this CrAzY journey.  I hope that by reading these things, you will feel that you are not alone.  I hope that you will feel that it is not uncommon to have these types of feelings and that these things will eventually come to an end---life WILL get better.  I hope that your loved ones can learn new ways to positively support you during this difficult time. 

 

As time passes, you will begin to see the positive changes that are occurring in your life.  Although it is a difficult journey, you will have the ability to reach so many other women due to your life experiences.  If you can get to a place where you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with others, you can really make an impact on others who are struggling with PPD or other types of depression.  What better way to have good come from this journey than to help others?  Keep your head up, stay in the Word, and STAND no matter what comes your way.  This too shall pass.

Opinions about Motherhood

The alarm goes off.  It's 5:45am.  Time to get the day started so that I can get myself ready before getting my son up and getting him ready.  Ugh, I'm tired!  It doesn't help that last night I stayed up until almost midnight because I finally had a chance to read some of the book I've been wanting to finish!  So, here goes another day.  After I'm done getting ready, I get my son up, who isn't happy to be up either.  We struggle through getting him to the potty and getting him dressed.  He's happy to eat breakfast but doesn't want to sit in his seat!  Time to put his coat on...ummmm, no, he is not liking that!  I struggle to put his coat on and tell him to go to the front door because we are going bye-bye.  He simply states, "No."  Again, I tell him to go to the front door because we are leaving.  He again says "No" with a little more umph!  I grab his hand and start walking with him to the door.  He acts as if he has no muscles in his legs and starts hanging from my hand.  I stop, tell him to stand up, and he doesn't listen.  Again, I tell him to stand up.  I let go of his hand and he lays on the floor.  By this time, I'm getting frustrated.  I tell him to stand up or he will be going to the corner.  He slowly (at a snail's pace) gets up and shuffles to the front door.  He stands in front of the mirror by the door and won't move.  I tell him to go out the door.  He stands there.  I tell him to "c'mon".  He stands there.  I juggle my bags around and pick him up (not easy when he is 37 pounds)!  I get him outside, put him down, and lock the door.  He runs to the other side of the porch.  I tell him to come to mommy so I can help him down the stairs.  He stands there staring at me.  I want to scream!  I tell him to c'mon and we will eat some muffins in the car.  He gives in and takes my hand.  We walk to the car, but as we approach it he starts yelling "NO!  No!  No bye-bye!"  I tell him that we have to go and mommy has to go to work.  He starts whining and crying.  I pick him up and attempt to put him in his car seat.  He stiffens up.  I tell him to sit down.  He doesn't listen.  I tell him to sit down again and I help with this a little.  He keeps telling me no and crying.  After buckling him in, I shut the door and take a deep breath.  I go around to the other side and get in.  He's still crying.  I look back at him and tell him to calm down.  I turn up the radio.  He quiets down and asks for a muffin.  I give him one and he seems to be okay.  We pull up to the daycare and he starts again with the "No's".  After I get him out of the car, we walk up to the daycare and once inside he is fine until he realizes I'm leaving...then more crying starts.  I kiss him, tell him I love him and leave with the sound of his crying haunting me as I go.  I realize, it's only 7:35am and I'm already exhausted!

Motherhood...okay, so every day isn't like this.  Thank God!  We have some really good mornings where everything goes smoothly and he's a little angel.  I treasure those moments!  It's those bad mornings that get me!  I reflect back to my days before having a child and realize how easy life was!  Granted, I wouldn't change having my little man here with me for anything, but he certainly reminds me of how easy things were!!  Moments like these start some interesting conversations.

I hear my friends talk about motherhood and how much they love being a mom and I think to myself, am I the only one who thinks motherhood is crazy?  This is where I start to get crazy looks from my friends if I start sharing my feelings.  It's such a taboo topic talking about whether or not someone enjoys being a mom.  I share my feelings despite the feedback I might get.  I share that I don't like being a mom.  I like being my son's mom and sharing his life with him, but I don't like being a mom.  I don't like being completely responsible for another human being.  I don't like having the weight of extremely important decisions on my shoulders.  Decisions that can help to form my son into a good man or cause him to be a spoiled little brat.  I don't want the responsibility of that!  When he is throwing his tantrums in public and I see everyone staring, I hate the pressure.  I know some people are thinking, "She needs to get that child under control.  He just needs a good spanking!"  While others are thinking, "I can't believe she just smacked his bottom!  Maybe if she would sit down and talk to him instead of just spanking him, he wouldn't be this out of control!"  The pressure of it all just consumes me because I know I will never be right in every one's eyes...it's just not possible!  So why do I put this pressure on myself?  I have no idea!  Why do I take that pressure and allow it to cause me anxiety?  Again, I have no idea!  I guess I just like to please people and not let them down.

I hear mothers talk about how being a mom is the most rewarding thing they have ever done.  I would have to say that maybe I will think the same thing as my son gets older, but as of right now while my son is 2 1/2 years old, I would have to say that it is not feeling like the most rewarding job!  :)  I know, this too shall pass!  Now, don't get me wrong.  My son is wonderful!  He is a sweet boy who loves his mommy and daddy.  He is full of energy and makes us laugh.  I love the feel of his little arms around my neck when he hugs me.  I love it when he kisses MY booboo's and makes them all better!  LOL!  He is great!  This is where people get confused.  A lot of people think that if you don't like motherhood that means that you don't love and enjoy your child--WRONG!  That is not the case at all.  This is where the guilt comes in.  It seems that as moms, if we say anything negative about motherhood that we are directly relating that to our children, but that is not the case.  My wonderful little boy has nothing to do with my feelings about being a parent.  His behavior now is just like several other 2 and 3 year old children...trying!  His behavior and personality have nothing to do with my feelings.  Of course, he wears me out and I'm exhausted most of the time, but that's typical.  What I'm trying to say here, is that if you are having these feelings about motherhood (you know, the "I'm not dancing around and singing all of the time because I'm a mommy"), you should not feel bad or feel guilty.  It would be nice if we could just openly express our feelings without being judged.  Just because I don't give the usual answer regarding my feelings about being a mom does not mean that I'm any less of a mom than anyone else.  It just means I'm honest!

There are times when I feel like I need a break from everyone and everything and then there are times that I can't wait to see my son and I don't want to miss a second of my evening with him.  There are times when I hear moms talking about how badly they feel that their children have to go to daycare and they feel badly that they can't just stay home with their kids.  I will openly say, "I was not made to be a stay-at-home mom, so I let my son enjoy his time at daycare while I am at work."  This too has gotten me some grief.  What?  What is wrong with being able to say that I could not stay at home every day with my child?  Some women were made for this and others were not.  I just happen to be in the "others" category!  I don't know what it is about me or my personality that drives me to want to work and interact with adults for part of my day, but that's just how I'm programmed.  I shouldn't be judged for this and neither should you if that is how you are feeling.  Look, not everyone was made to be a police officer, a doctor, or a coroner, so why do we automatically assume that every woman was made to LOVE being a mother and a stay-at-home mother on top of that? 

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood, you are not alone!  Don't worry, things come in seasons.  Life with your child will get easier at times, then it will become more difficult and then it will return to being not so hard, and so on.  Don't beat yourself up if you don't have the overly optimistic and wonderful view of motherhood as some of your friends and family.  Don't be pressured into feeling like this means that you are a bad mom and that something is wrong with you.  We are all different.  We were all made to do different things.  I am no less of a parent due to my feelings and opinions about motherhood and neither are you.  I love my son.  I can't imagine my life without him.  We struggle at times, but we make it through and move on.  You will make it too. 

I don't know if the PPD has anything to do with my feelings about motherhood, and I never will know, but regardless, I'm learning, growing, and just trying to be me.  I try to say the difficult things because I know that I am NOT the only mother out there having these types of feelings.  I know what it feels like to be scrutinized for not giving the "perfect" answer about motherhood...the "expected" answer, but I don't care anymore.  I'm not on this earth to win the "I'm the best mom ever" trophy!  I'm here to glorify God and to help others.  I hope in some way this blog entry will at least speak to someone about their feelings about motherhood and will encourage them in knowing that they are not alone!

The Fear of the Depression Returning

Last week I attended an appointment with my psychiatrist just to give him updates on how I have been doing and to see what is next in my treatment.  I figured he would tell me that I was on my way to having my medication decreased and eventually be off of it completely.  Instead, my psychiatrist said that he was decreasing my medication to the lowest dose and that he would probably not lower it again.  I was confused!  What did that mean?  I asked him what he was saying.  He again stated that he would lower my dosage to the lowest dose of this type of medication and that he would likely not lower it again.  I told him that I heard that, but what exactly was he saying?  I said, "So are you saying that I'm never going to be off of medication completely?"  He began explaining the risks of going back into depression if I were to be taken off of the medication completely.  I reminded him of our conversation during my first appointment with him when I had asked him if taking medication now meant that I would have to take it for life.  At that appointment he assured me that I could easily be on medication for a short period of time and then be off of it.  I also remembered him saying that it would likely be about 1 year of treatment, but it differs for each person.  Well, here we are almost 2 years later and he's telling me that I might be on this medication for life? 
We continued to discuss this news.  He said that my depression had lasted for almost 2 years and that it was very difficult for me to come out of it.  Because it lasted so long, he was leery of taking me off of the medication completely fearing that the depression could return, and that it could possibly be worse.  Shockingly, I wasn't at all worried or afraid.  I just looked at him and said that I would like to completely come off of the medication.  He again stated that his professional opinion would be to stay on the lowest dose of the medication for the rest of my life to possibly prevent any future issues with depression.  He stated that he would suggest that I ask another psychiatrist if I was not sure of what to do.  He said that he would monitor me for 6 more months and at my next appointment, we could discuss what to do next.  He said that if I wanted to come off of the medication completely, he would make a plan to wean me off of it.  Again, he stated that his professional/clinical opinion was for me to remain on the medication.
As I sat there, I thought about everything he had said.  I also thought about how the Lord is with me.  Now, I obviously respect the opinion of my psychiatrist or I would have never met with him in the first place, but I also know that my Lord gives complete healing.  I know that I will not need to be on medication for the rest of my life.  I am going to be patient and see how the next 6 months go and pray about it, but I know that God has it all under control.  I'm not advising anyone to not listen to their doctor's medical opinion...please don't mistake my point.  I'm saying that sometimes we need to do a little bit of research on our own and pray about things before making a lifelong decision!
Regardless of what happens, I am thankful that God has brought me this far.  I'm thankful that I enjoy my son each and every day.  Yes, I have days that I want a break and days that I feel like everything is falling apart, but this is normal.  I'm no longer downcast all day long every day.  I no longer feel like I'm doomed.  Things have definitely improved and I feel like myself again.
If you are reading this post and you are feeling defeated, know that things will get better.  Life will not always be the way it is today.  Continue pressing through.  Each day you journey through is one day closer to your recovery.  Try your best not to get caught up in those thoughts of doom and things never changing because that is a LIE.  Things will get better.  One day you will look over at that sweet child of yours and your world will light up.  One day you will finally have those feelings about your child that everyone else has been talking about...one day.  Stay encouraged and be blessed.

So THANKFUL for Recovery!!

It is so interesting and eerie to think back on the past 20 months of my life.  It's weird to have blocks of time in those months that I don't recall at all.  I know that we all have times that we don't remember things, but this is different...trust me.

So last month I sat down and ate dinner with a friend.  During our meal we began discussing how our lives had changed and we reflected on where we used to be.  My friend brought up an instance regarding my struggle with PPD.  She said that she and I met for lunch one day when I was on maternity leave.  I showed up looking a complete mess!  She continued the story stating that I had told her that I was very tired and I was not sleeping well at all.  She asked where my son was and I responded that he was spending the night with my parents.  This caught her off-guard because she didn't think that I would allow him to go anywhere, and especially not allow him to stay overnight somewhere, with him being so young.  My friend explained that I told her about my struggles with my son having his nights and days confused.  She could sense that something was wrong.  She said that she very gently approached the subject of PPD.  My friend said that I was very defensive and that I told her that my doctor had said that it was just the baby blues and that I was just fine.  She said that she tried to talk about it with me a little bit more because she was concerned, but I responded with complete denial and kept saying that there was no way I had PPD and that everything was normal.  As my friend shared her memory of that day with me, I sat in complete shock!  I had no recollection of this taking place at all.  I asked her when it was and where we ate lunch.  She shared the details.  I thought very hard, but still I could not recall the moment at all.  I joked with her for a little while stating that she was just teasing me and that this never really happened, but she continued to say that it did.  She said she was really worried about me because I didn't look like or act like myself.

Although this wasn't any big incident, it is still crazy to me that I don't remember this at all.  I don't remember arguing that I was fine and that I didn't have PPD.  There have been several other things that my husband has mentioned or other friends have mentioned and I have no recollection of them.  There are other "memories" that are starting to come back.  It's like something happens and then all of a sudden a memory comes back and I just stare in disbelief like "Wow, that really did happen, how could I have forgotten that?" 

As I am on my way to recovery, most of the time when these "flashbacks" hit me, I just sit amazed.  I'm amazed that God brought me so far.  In the midst of the worst of my depression, I was having thoughts of leaving for good and ending my life.  I felt that I had no hope to live another day.  I felt so sad, flat, and like I was going through time completely numb.  Today, I live each day happy that God has turned things around.  I get excited about spending time with my son.  I am happy to have time together as a family and I am so THANKFUL that God has brought me through to the other side of this storm I was stuck in.

This Thanksgiving, try your best to spend time with family and friends, even if you don't feel like it.  Secluding yourself and being alone with your thoughts will not help your depression at all.  When you are left alone just with your thoughts, it's easy to make yourself believe some crazy things.  Surround yourself with the people that love you.  You don't have to talk much.  You don't have to wear a smile on your face.  You don't even have to fake that everything is okay.  Just be there, in the moment, surrounded by the people who love you and just take it all in.  Maybe, just maybe, their joy and laughter will suck you in and you can forget about the pain and loneliness you feel on the inside.  In these moments, God can begin to heal you.  He can remind you that there is HOPE for tomorrow, and He can remind you that you are LOVED and you are NOT ALONE.

Happy Thanksgiving!  :-)

Don't let the Holidays d-r-a-g you Down!

As I reminisce about previous holidays, I find myself remembering the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Because the holidays can bring all sorts of memories back, it is important to prepare yourself for the holiday season if you find yourself sinking back into depression or worried that you may get sucked back in.  As a Christian, I know that Jesus has created me to be an overcomer.  I know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper.  I know that with God all things are possible.  Now, with that said, there is nothing wrong with preparing yourself for a time of year that you typically find yourself wandering back to that dark place. 

Below are some tips that I discovered at http://www.cbn.com/health/emotionalwellness/rebeltaylor_holidaydepression.aspx

Tips on Overcoming Holiday Depression

Make realistic plans – Don’t stress in attempting to create the Norman Rockwell holiday – a relaxed, cozy Thanksgiving or Christmas with family and friends will create memories for a lifetime. Take time for each of you to share something you are thankful for. Read the Christmas story and talk about the greatest Gift ever given.

Extended families – Plan and schedule visits in advance, communicate openly about expectations, and work together to set a schedule you can all agree on. Create an atmosphere of love and grace for your child.

Negative or sad memories associated with the holidays – First, acknowledge how you feel. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Sit down and allow yourself a little time to face and express your feelings and emotions, confess them to God, and allow Him to cover you in His grace and mercy. Create a new memory by planning something different and even unexpected.

Singles or Single again – Don’t dread sitting at home alone. Take the initiative and invite others to join you, or ask to join a family for the day. Again, it’s okay to admit you feel lonely or sad, but don’t stay there. Grab a friend and do the unexpected.

Take the focus off of you – Volunteer to serve others at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. We all feel better when we help others, and showing the love of Christ to those less fortunate is a wonderful gift.

 Plan – Have a shopping plan or cooking schedule. List similar gifts together and group by stores. Allot yourself a realistic time frame to accomplish each task. Wandering mindlessly from store to store is exhausting and a waste of time. Schedule your time to purchase your groceries and cook beforehand to make your time productive.

Learn to say NO – You don’t have to say yes to every project, party, or activity. WE make the holidays about doing, NOT God!

TLC – Take a little time each day for yourself and do something you truly enjoy. Sit and rest in the presence of the Father. Let Him refresh and renew you.

If you find that you are unable to work through the feelings of sadness or depression, seek prayer from a trusted friend, consult your physician, or go to your pastor for guidance and help.

The holidays are to be a time of joy, peace, and good-will; taking the time to set realistic expectations and re-focusing our attention on the Creator of the holiday is a good start!

These are just a few of the ways that you can prepare yourself for the upcoming holidays.  I think it is very important to open up to someone you trust about how you are feeling.  If you don't talk to someone, it's easy to retract back into that dark place and to start feeling like no one understands.  Once I get to this point, I don't feel like being around anyone and I just want the holidays to pass without being noticed!  This is NOT how God intended for our lives to be.  He wants us to enjoy the holidays by showing love to one another and by celebrating the birth of his one and only Son.  God wants us to be a LIGHT to others and that is one very difficult thing to do if you are closed off in the dark with no one around! 

Make a choice this holiday season to stay mentally healthy.  Don't over-book yourself by saying you will be in three places at one time.  Don't volunteer to make every dish you are a master at.  Don't freak yourself out by starting to feel sad and then being over critical of yourself.  Do call up a good friend or family member and share your heart.  Be transparent and ask for help if you need it.  Do find ways to show love and kindness to others without exhausting yourself.  If needed, take some time alone and shed a healthy tear or two, but do not dwell in the feelings of sadness...move on. 

I pray that all of my friends and family will have a Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas!  I hope that this holiday season finds you full of joy and sharing the love of Christ.  REMEMBER...this moment of sadness or depression will NOT last forever, things will change!!

Here is a little Christmas joy that I wanted to spread!  :-)

http://youtu.be/0hYxYxAXTKo

From Darkness To Light...a poem by Andrea

It's all so consuming and darkness prevails.

Life is unexpected and leads us down scary trails.

When blinded when walking it's hard to choose.

Which way do I go?  Which way will I lose?

As the days turn into months, I think things will improve.

It's weird to me that somehow nothing seems to soothe.

I call out to Jesus as I've been taught to do,

only, He doesn't answer me, and I feel like a fool.

Can darkness get darker?  It sure feels like it can.

Where is this Son I've called on?  Does He really understand?

He said He'd never leave me, but what do you call this?

I feel like He doesn't care and that I'm dead last on His list.

I get hit over and over again.

I get hit and feel like I can't stand.

The blows get harder and seem like they won't end.

Where have I gone?  Who is this?  It seems like a dead-end.

Just when I last expected, the Lord showed up and won!

Who was that girl--the one who doubted--who thought it was all done?

He was there all of the time regardless of what I saw.

He was there answering me every time I called.

"Don't give up now!" He whispered, "Things have just begun."

"Keep on pressing!  Keep on standing!  The battle is already won!"

"One day this will be over, and a memory is all you will have."

"One day this will be over and you'll rejoice and be glad."

"You'll see the bigger picture, how I molded you through this time."

"Your life will change, your heart will mend, and in Me you will reside."

"Keep praising girl, keep praising!  This storm will pass you'll see."

"Draw near unto Me, and I'll do the same, it's done quite simply."

So when you're in that valley, the one that is lonely and hard,

keep holding on to Jesus, and please let down your guard.

Allow Him to hold you close.  Allow Him to wipe your tears.

Allow Him to guide you even when everything seems unclear.

He knows what He is doing.  He knows what you can take.

He knows the outcome.  He's doing it for your own sake.

When all is said and done, and life has moved on,

you'll look back through this all, and thank God you were actually number one.

Thank you Lord for healing me.  Thank you Lord for your grace.

Thank you for keeping me strong through your Almighty embrace.

Now the sky is sunny, the darkness has fallen away.

Can the light get lighter?  It seems like it more each day.

By: Andrea Williams 

When You're SO Mad that You Become Mad at GOD...

I've never felt so much anger and sadness in my life.  I couldn't understand why I had to go through all of this.  WHY did I have to be the one to have PPD?  WHY did I have to endure horrible thoughts that caused guilt in my life?  WHY?  WHY?  WHY?  These questions went through my head at least daily.  I hated the fact that anytime I would think back to when Seth was first born, my memories were horrible.  I despised the question, "So, how is the baby sleeping?" and even more so, "Do you think you will have any more kids?"  I know people didn't intend to hurt me at all with those questions, but WOW, they would stir me up!  As time passed, I thought things would get easier.  They did in a sense--the depression started to lift and I started to feel better, but as the depression started to lift, my anger started to BOIL.  I started to look around me and see all of these women with their children.  I saw the smiles on their faces and the happy stories they would tell.  I heard them say how much they loved being a mom.  I would smile, but on the inside I wanted to scream.  I thought, "Really God?  REALLY?  Are you just trying to rub this in my face or what?  Can't you see that I'm struggling??  You said you would never leave me nor forsake me, but right now I feel like you are nowhere to be found!"  I had these thoughts over and over and they just kept building up. 

After awhile I became somewhat cynical about everything.  As people would tell me that God would help me through, I started to get a little sarcastic.  I would sing songs of praise, but on the inside I was questioning everything I was singing.  I was SO angry!  I started to get caught up in why God allows things to happen.  I thought about how God is in complete control, and since that is the case, He could have kept all of this from happening to me, but He chose not to.  I started to feel worthless and unloved.  God could have covered me with His protection and none of this would have happened.  I thought, "Why God?  Why would you allow this?  What have I done that would cause You to want me to go through this?  I have lived for you!  I have tried my best to follow your Word and to be the woman of God that you have called me to be, and this is how I am REPAID?!"  Just typing that brings all of those feelings back.  I felt helpless and I felt abandoned by God.  I would love to say that it only lasted for a day and then things were great, but that's not how it was.  I went through this valley for several months.  I continued to go to church.  I continued to go through the motions.  I continued to listen to my Pastor preach on faith, healing, victory, and everything I could have possibly needed to break through this craziness in my life, but I would leave and the dark cloud would continue to hover over me.

I read some Christian books on PPD.  They were helpful.  It was encouraging to know that I was not the only Christian going through all of this.  I had several ladies praying for me along with other family and friends.  My days would fluctuate.  One day things would be great and I felt like everything was getting better, but then the next day, I felt like I was right back at the bottom of the pit.  Would this EVER END?  With a lot of support, things have changed.  The depression has lifted and so has my anger at God.  Although I may never understand why God allowed me to go through this, I am trusting that He has a plan and purpose in it all.  I know that even when things don't make sense to me, I still have to TRUST that God has it all under control.  I had to think about what others have been through.  Their struggles were even worse than mine, but I can already see God using their situations to help others.  I can see how He has strengthened them through their trials and because of this strength, they have been a witness to me and to everyone else they have encountered. 

Yes, I would LOVE to know right now why the Lord allowed me to go through all of this, but I'm just going to have to be okay with not having an answer and move on.  I know that in facing this trial, I have grown and learned a lot about myself.  I have seen areas of my life that really needed to be changed.  I have been able to sympathize with others going through depression because I have been there myself.  I could understand their sadness and truly feel their pain.  Sometimes we have to face trials so we will learn to trust in God.  Sometimes the most devastating things happen to us, and it seems so unfair, but in the end, we are better off.  When I leave this Earth, I want to go to Heaven and live with my God for eternity.  I want to see the faces of others who have overcome!!!  I want to make sure that regardless of what I had to go through, I allowed God to use it to grow me up in Him.

Just a thought...

Today at Church my Pastor mentioned an article he had read in a Christian magazine regarding September 11th and it being the 10 year anniversary this year.  The article mentioned that September 11th was the revival that never happened.  It seems hard to look at it this way at first, but I began to understand.  The Sunday after September 11th, the churches were packed and people were crying out to God for strength and salvation.  Just a month later, things had calmed down, people were back to their usual routines and somehow, God was left on the back-burner again.  How many times do we see this in our own lives?  How many times have we gone through something and we begged God to help us?  We prayed to Him and clung to His every word.  We devoted our time to Him and kept pressing on until we made it through.  Shortly after our crisis was over, we went back to "normal" and slowly our relationship with God also faded some.  We tend to call on God when we need Him, and then when everything is going well, we neglect Him.  Sometimes I wonder if that is why we have to face all of the trials that come our way.  Is this God's way of getting my attention?  Did God allow the attacks on September 11th to get the attention of the citizens of the United States of America and the rest of the world?  I'm definitely not trying to minimize the extreme loss that our Country went through that day.  I too wish that it would never have happened, but because it did, I want to see God move through it.  I wish that I would never have had to go through PPD, but because I did, I want to see God move through my situation.  I want to see His power move in my life and I want to be able to help others. 

I hope that in the midst of your battle, you will remember that God does love you.  Don't be ashamed if you are angry with Him.  Talk to Him and let Him know how you are feeling.  Talk to others who share your faith who can help lift you up.  Even if you feel like you are going through the motions, continue to attend your church, continue to sing songs of praise and worship, and continue to pray even if all you can say is "Jesus, help me!"  Trust me, you will make it through.  The battle will eventually be over and you will be a much stronger person for having gone through it.  You will be able to share your story of victory to someone else who is struggling with PPD or depression of any kind.  God will allow us to OVERCOME no matter what!

Looking Ahead to the Future

Well, my son is 15 months old now and is very active.  Although he hasn't mastered walking yet, he sure does get around.  He crawls at about 20mph!!  He will walk some, but then chooses to get down and crawl like a maniac!  It's amazing to look back over the past 15 months.  God has brought me so far. 

Although there are still periods of time that I cannot remember, most of those first three months have "come back" to me.  Every once in awhile I will suddenly remember something that happened and then I have to think really hard because it's difficult to tell if it is something that really happened or if it is something I just thought of.  Most of the time it is something that happened.  It's so strange to recall things in this way, but I'm just glad that most of those moments are now a happy part of my memory.

As time passes and I look ahead to the future, I get tons of questions about whether or not we will try to have anymore children.  As of this minute in time, my answer is a big NO!  I love Seth with all of my heart and I thank God for allowing him to be a part of our family.  I would not change him for anything.  I'm at a point where I feel like I could be completely happy with just him in our family.  Who knows?  Maybe I will change my mind, but I doubt it!  It's hard to convince myself that I want to have more children when I almost go into a panic attack thinking about some of the things I went through.  I know that things could be much different the second time, but I'm not sure that I'm willing to take the risk. 

I have learned a lot through this experience and I know that God has allowed me to grow because of it, but I still think that I'm totally content with one child.  God has filled my heart with a mother's love for Seth.  I worried and worried that this would never happen, but it has!  I miss him when I haven't seen him all day.  I love to look at him when he is sound asleep.  I love to hear his laughter when I'm tickling him.  I just love that I am his mommy!  This next week is going to be tough for me.  Our daycare is closed and Seth will be staying with his Grandma and Grandpa for a few days.  Before, I was always VERY relieved when my parents watched Seth, but now I am dreading dropping him off.  I don't want him to be gone!!  I am going to miss him sooooo much!  I thank God that I have these feelings!!!  Finally, I feel like our future as a family is bright.  I feel as if things are stabilizing and that although I have my ups and downs, there are certainly several more ups than downs! 

I know in the past, in the middle of everything, it seemed as if there was no light at the end of the tunnel.  It seemed as though these horrible feelings would never end and that I was stuck in this role as a parent and that I would never be happy.  Thank God that things have turned around.  No matter what you are going through, just know that if you keep pressing through, you will make it to the other side.  Once you get to the other side, most likely you will be thankful for all that God has brought you through and you might even realize why you had to go through what you went through.  I know that God is going to use me to help others.  I'm not sure when or how, but I know that He will. 

As you celebrate this 4th of July with your families, please remember all of our soldiers and their families.  There are thousands and thousands of moms over here in the U.S. missing their sons and daughters.  They long to embrace their children and to see them face to face.  Pray for their safety as they serve our Country and pray for their families to find strength and comfort as they await the arrival of their loved one.  I cannot even imagine my son being a soldier serving our Country overseas.  What a challenging experience...knowing that they are doing something good but also knowing that they are always at risk.  Thank you moms for standing by your children and growing them into men and women who love their Country enough to sacrifice their lives for it.  I thank God for them and for you!

When Sadness Turns to ANGER!!

So it seems that as I have ventured through this journey, things would get better for a little while, then I would be down again, then I would be better, and then the anger would strike!  For some reason, I would have these cycles of intense anger.  I would have times when I would have no patience and I would feel so angry I could have busted down a wall!!!  Have you ever felt like...wow, I would LOVE to throw a glass against the wall and just hear it shatter and fall to the ground?  That may sound strange to some of you, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who has felt this way!

As I dealt with all of that anger and aggression, my poor husband typically got the brunt of everything.  There were times when he could do everything, and I would still find the one thing that he didn't do and I would be so angry.  Sometimes I didn't even realize that I was being so rude and disrespectful until later in the day.  I think back over what has happened, and I feel really bad.  I was talking to a friend a few months ago and I was telling her about these feelings.  I didn't try to sugar-coat anything or try to make myself look better.  I told her straight-up how I had been acting towards my husband.  Because she is my friend, she didn't say, "I know what you mean, I'm angry sometimes too and we have a right to be!"  Instead, she told me the truth which was, "Wow, Andrea, you can't be like that."  I agreed with her and told her that I didn't want to be like that, but the intense anger was sometimes so overwhelming that I felt out of control. 

At the next appointment I had with my Psychiatrist, I told him about this anger and about how I typically have the anger against my husband.  I was shocked when he said that was normal.  I argued saying that my husband had been wonderful and I had no reason to be angry with him.  Again, he said that it was normal to feel this way with PPD.  He talked to me about whether I was feeling some resentment towards my husband.  I told him that I was.  I told him that sometimes I would be perfectly fine, but at other times I  would look at my husband and think about how unfair it was for him to get all of the benefits of having a child, but he didn't have to go through everything I had to go through.  There were times when he would have days off and could actually relax and I felt like I never had that time because I was either working or taking care of our son.  My doctor spoke with me about how things would get better and about how this is a normal thing for me to be feeling.  It felt good to know that I was not the only one experiencing this anger and that my doctor didn't look at me like I was crazy for the things I was disclosing. 

I want women to know that there might be an intense cycle of anger that you go through during PPD.  I want women to somewhat expect it so that they can be prepared.  It's very hard to have these feelings and to think you are just rude, ungrateful, mean, hateful, etc.  I'm not saying that I didn't have any control over the things I said or did, but I felt a sense of relief when I was told that this is common with PPD.  At least I had hope that it would pass and things would get better instead of feeling that I was going to be "stuck" like this forever.  If you find yourself in this situation, I would encourage you to communicate this with your husband and with those you trust.  If they truly support you, they will help you through this time and be understanding.  If you happen to be the family or friend of someone going through this, please do not be judgemental of the woman's behavior or thinking.  Try not to take things personal and instead realize that if you are being "attacked" (and I don't mean physically), it really isn't about you, it is about the war of emotions and hormones going on in that woman's body!  Be encouraged and know that "this too shall pass" and things will eventually get back to normal. 

A YEAR of Changes...Some Good, Some Bad

Well, it has officially been a year since I gave birth to my wonderful son, Seth.  We celebrated his FIRST Birthday!!  We had a great party, but I can say that I am glad it's over!  It was a lot of fun, but man, planning parties is stressful...especially when your husband is supposed to be there to help, but instead his work mandates him to stay over and he can't be at the party at all!  I felt so bad that he missed our son's first Birthday party, but I know we will continue to celebrate each day of Seth's life, and next year the party will be even more exciting! 
Reflecting back over the year helps me to see just how far God has brought me.  I remember the first days, weeks, and months of Seth's life.  That's pretty good considering there was a time that I couldn't remember much of it.  I'm not sure if it was the PPD, stress, a combination of both, or something similar to PTSD.  Regardless, things have really started to change!  I remember starting this blog and crying through most of my posts.  Now, I typically do fine except when I am overwhelmed with how much God has blessed me and how far He has brought me.  The other day I was thinking back to how I felt just holding Seth and I started to cry.  Although I knew it was tough when I was going through it, it just seemed so painful remembering how I felt. 
Now that things are going better, my husband and I have been talking more about how things were and how we were feeling at different times of this healing process.  I would express myself to my husband pretty regularly about how I was feeling.  I made statements such as, "I feel like I hate my life." and "I just want to run away from everything."  I knew those statements had to hurt him, but I also knew that he realized that this was due to the PPD.  It was not truly what I wanted to happen or how I really felt.  He opened up to me recently and said that going through PPD with me was very, very hard.  He said that he was glad that I opened up to him, but it was painful for him as well.  I told him throughout this battle that I felt so bad for him having to deal with me and all of my emotions and he was always very supportive, but I knew that it was tough for him too--I just didn't realize how tough.  He said that hearing those types of comments (mentioned above) were very hard to take in and deal with.  I can only imagine.  I would hate coming home to him on a daily basis and hearing that he hated his life, he wanted to just run away from it all, and that he wished that all of this never happened.  WOW, what a crazy mess to deal with!  I just thank God for those who supported my husband.  He spoke with our Pastor, with some of the men at the church, and most of all, he spoke with God.  He prayed fervently all of the time.  I cannot thank God enough for a husband who is and was so understanding.  I thank God that my husband does not hold these things against me.  I'm thankful that he allowed me to express myself without being judged. 
If you read my posts, it should be evident that SUPPORT is one of the most important things in battling PPD.  The only way to have support is to tell people how you are feeling and let them know that you need their help.  Most friends are waiting for an opportunity to help another friend in need, so don't be afraid of being judged by others, speak up, and let them help you! 
Just to update you all regarding treatment with medication...it certainly has helped.  I have been very disappointed that a year has passed and I am still taking the medication, but I know that sooner than I think, things will be back to "normal" and I will no longer need the medication.  Besides, the PPD, I have had several other things happen in my life (good and bad) that have either helped me or made things harder.  I hope that someday, people will have a better understanding of PPD and they will be more sensitive of the comments they make to new moms.  Things people have said to me have not meant to be hurtful, they just don't understand.  Just to help you if you are ever in this situation, here are 10 things you should NOT say to a new mom (especially if she is going through the "baby blues" or PPD):
1.  I know you're tired.  All mothers go through that and you will be fine.
2.  When are you going to get that baby out of the house?  He's already ___ old.
3.  Wow, you look tired!  You need to sleep when the baby sleeps!
4.  Isn't being a mom the most wonderful thing ever?
5.  So, how many more kids do you want?
6.  Wow, you get 12 weeks off for maternity leave!  What a nice vacation.
7.  I can't believe you already let your baby stay the night somewhere else!  I didn't do that until mine were ____ years old.
8.  I went through all of that too, but I did just fine without medication.
9.  I can't believe you didn't come to _____, just pack the baby up and bring him, it's not that big of a deal!
10.  You're STILL dealing with PPD?  It's been like a year, hasn't it?

Again, I know that most comments are not meant to be hurtful, but watch how you say things.  Most women going through PPD are already struggling with guilt and feeling as if they are not a good mom.  Please don't allow your comments to make those things worse.  If you are unsure what to say, just tell the mom that you are there for her if she needs anything and that you are praying for her.  If possible, call her or text her with words of encouragement.  My friends were awesome about encouraging me and letting me know that I had not been forgotten.

The Roller Coaster of Emotions!

Ahhhh, the joys of amusement parks!  Standing in line, waiting for hours to ride a 20 second ride!  But during those 20 seconds, you get whipped around, up and down, around and around, and upside down.  There are also those moments in between all of those crazy twists and turns that are just flat or uphill.  This somewhat explains my life right now.  I'm waiting and waiting for all of this to be over, but yet, it's more like a roller coaster ride.  One day things are smooth and somewhat slow-paced while other days are a blur of busyness and emotions.  One day I feel like things are going great and that everything is going back to normal, then the very next day everything bottoms out.  It's like I go from overcoming back to square one!  All of the feelings and emotions come rushing back and it is very overwhelming.  The discouragement and guilt that comes along with all of that is enough to choke the very breath out of me...yet I continue on.

One moment I feel like a good mom who loves my child and wants the best for him, then things completely do a 180 and I'm feeling like I've made the biggest mistake of my life and that I will never love being a mother--yet alone like it!  To avoid these thoughts, I bury myself in work and busyness.  It helps for awhile because I have too much going on to think about how I am really feeling, but eventually things calm down and I'm left with my own thoughts.  At some point I have to cast those thoughts down and "wage war" against all of the things that are trying to keep me down.  This is no easy task!  These thoughts and feelings get ingrained in my mind and just convincing myself that I'm making progress is almost impossible.  But again, I continue on. 

My son will be a year old next month...ONE year old.  It's crazy to think that all of this has been going on for a year.  It's a good thing that we do not know how long our trials will last because if I would have known in the beginning that I would still be dealing with all of this one year later, I probably would have given up!  I can say that things are definitely better than they were in the beginning.  I used to not have any good days.  I used to cry off and on every single day.  Time passed and the bad days became fewer and fewer.  Now, it seems that my bad days are only here and there, but they are extremely intense.  It's like all of the emotions of all of the other bad days are combined into one.  I sometimes feel like I'm busting at the seams.  I usually end up sobbing until my eyes cannot cry another tear.  I look back over the day and realize how awful I have been to deal with.  I wake up the next morning to my son talking in his crib.  I walk into his room and say "good morning" and he looks up and smiles so big that my heart melts.  He gets up in anticipation of me picking him up and he just can't wait!  He giggles some and just stares at me with those beautiful brown eyes.  I think back and wonder why I even had the bad thoughts and feelings that I had because I love him so much.

Nothing compares to the tight embrace of your child who loves you unconditionally.  I kiss his sweet face and prepare for whatever is to come.  I thank God for this sweet blessing and I continue to "wage war" against anything that threatens to assault this relationship that I am building with my son.  Regardless of the feelings and emotions that I've been through on this roller coaster ride, I cannot imagine my son not being here with me.  He is the sweetest child and he has such a great little personality.  If you are battling PPD too, try to focus on the joy that your child has brought to your life.  Thank God that your child is healthy and that God entrusted you with his or her life.  Things will get better...I know they will!

"Relapses" of Unhealthy Thinking

It seems that as time passes things get better. It's a great feeling until all of the sudden the feelings and thoughts all hit you again at once. Things can be going perfectly fine and then...bam...it feels like I'm back to square one! Ugh!

I meet with my psychiatrist at least once a month.  He makes some medication changes and we hope for the best. I've seen the psychiatrist twelve times now and it gets pretty discouraging when things start getting bad all over again. Thankfully for the past 2 weeks it seems that I'm doing better. My husband has noticed a change as well so I'm hoping that we have finally found the correct medication and dosage! Sometimes I have felt like a lab rat while going through all of this! My doctor would say that it's a matter of trial and error until we get the right medication and the right dose...ummmm...that's not what I wanted to hear!! I wanted to hear that there was going to be some miracle drug that was going to give me immediate results. No one wants to hear that it could be months before you start feeling like yourself again! In my case, it was around 9 months before I really felt like there was still a part of me in this body! A few days ago my husband and I were driving somewhere and we started singing songs from back in the day and we were cracking up! This laughter is the first "true" and heartfelt laughter that I can recall since having Seth. I'm very thankful that I'm starting to feel like myself again, but it has been a very long road.

I really feel like one of the hardest things to deal with daily is trying to remember the first few months of Seth's life. This should be a fun and joyous thing to do, but for me it causes panic sometimes and sometimes I can't even remember anything. It's very difficult to deal with these "memories". I want to look back and remember good times and laugh and smile, but instead I typically just feel some type of panic, and that makes me sad. On my page, "The Seemingly Endless Cycle of Guilt", I talk about how it's very difficult to overcome all of this when the guilt just won't stop! No matter what you do there is always some reason to feel guilty. It is very tough to break this cycle, but you have to in order to start feeling better. You have to realize that PPD is the cause for most of the reasons why you feel guilty. 

The other day I was at work and was on my way to a home visit.  Things had been going pretty well and I felt like I was actually happy.  All of a sudden a sadness came over me that I just cannot explain.  At the same time, I began thinking about all of Seth's needs and whether or not we were doing everything we were supposed to be doing.  I started to worry about switching him over to table food and whether or not we were giving him enough  "floor time".  I became overwhelmed and thought I was going to have a panic attack.  I had to try my hardest to change my way of thinking.  Thankfully, I did not have a panic attack, but I was not far from it.  These patterns of thinking are very dangerous.  I do not want to live life in fear of being depressed and having panic attacks.  Although PPD effects your mind and body in several ways, there are still some things that we have to do to help ourselves.  It's easy to just sit and dwell on everything that has gone wrong, but in order to help your situation, you have to try to start dwelling on good things.  It's important to see the progress that you have made and try to see the good in your situation.  I have had the opportunity to speak to a few people dealing with depression and it felt good to actually encourage someone else.  It felt good to know that I could relate to their feelings and that I could help!  Over the past almost 10 months, I have felt so helpless.  At times I thought that I was never going to get better and that I would never be of help to anyone else because I was so consumed by my own situation.  It felt great to actually GIVE something back for once!!

Don't be discouraged!  Know that this is a process and that you WILL make it through.  Know that God is beside you each and every step of the way and He promised that He would never leave us nor forsake us.  Although at times it may feel that He is nowhere to be found, but trust me, He is there with you and wants nothing more than to be the One you run to! 

Dealing with "Blue Holidays"

If dealing with PPD, being a new mommy, and having a crazy job is not enough, the Holidays bring added stress.  I know that I hear from most people that the Holidays stress them out and they feel like they do more running around than enjoying the days--this is not the stress I am referring to.  My stress and "blues" are different.  This year is especially hard when the Holidays come.  I remember just last year being excited for Thanksgiving and Christmas and being very happy and excited about being pregnant.  It's crazy that just one short year later, my feelings are almost completely opposite.  I used to look forward to the Holidays because I could not wait to spend time with family, but in this stage of my PPD, I prefer to be alone and to not be "bothered" so getting together with everyone is very challenging to say the least.  I love my family and am glad that I get to see them, but it is difficult to "press through" all of these feelings and emotions and to try to enjoy myself.  It's always fun to reminisce about previous Holidays, but at the same time, it is sad.  I want so much to be that person again.  I want so much to look forward to the Holidays and spending time with friends and family.  I want this all to be over with.

My baby is now 9 months old.  This will be his first Christmas and I want to make it special for him, but it's hard when inside I'm falling apart.  I thank God that at this point in Seth's young life, he will not remember his first Christmas.  We will take the "joyful" pictures and that is what he will be able to look back on.  I'm sure that I will remember the pain, but he will not have to endure it--thank God!  If the Christmas tree never gets put up and not a single light is hung up, his day will not be affected.  If I cry throughout the day, he will not understand nor will he remember.  Dealing with "blue Holidays" is very difficult.  As I go through this Season, I will try my best to "think upon good things."

I am so thankful that I'm married to a man of God who truly supports me in everything I do.  I'm thankful for a son who is healthy and who enjoys even the smallest of things.  I am thankful for a job that helps provide for my family.  I'm thankful for a warm home where my family can spend time together.  I'm thankful for a car that is reliable that allows me to visit family and friends.  I'm thankful for parents who are loving and supportive.  I'm thankful for a mother-in-law who knows how to make me laugh and who goes with the flow.  I'm thankful for my physical health that allows me to chase Seth all over the house now that he is mobile!  I have so much to be thankful for and that is what I need to focus on.  I have a Lord and Savior who was born just to die for me.  I know that if He was willing to die for me because He wants me to live, I also know that He wants to heal me of all of this.  I know that He has great things in store for me and my family and that through this trial, He will mold me and shape me into the person that he wants me to become.  I know that even when I handle things wrong or when I sulk in my sadness, He still loves me and will never give up on me.

Although it is easy to feel "blue" at Christmas, we have to remember the TRUE meaning of CHRISTmas and what it is all about.  Christ was born on this Earth so that we could have eternal life.  He was born, touched many lives, and then endured the cross because He loves us so much.  This Christmas, try to set aside quality time with your family remembering what the day is really about.  Sure it's fun to see your children open their gifts and see their faces light up, but how much more rewarding will it be to see them grow up into men and women of God?

If you are experiencing depression and are having a rough time during the Holidays, think on the things I mentioned above.  Remember that the "joy of the Lord is my strength".  Keep pressing through and try not to let your eyes get fixed on the storm, but rather keep your eyes on Jesus as he leads you out of this dark place.  One day you will be in a better place looking back at all that you went through.  You will be able to reach others and minister to others as a result of the things you went through.  It's easy to read Scripture and to feel disconnected, but when another Christian can relate and can tell you their testimony, everything falls into place!  I cannot wait for the souls I am going to reach.  I cannot wait for the opportunity to share my testimony about being healed from PPD and how it changed my life...for the good.

Kick Me While I'm Down

As I tried to deal with going back to work, the constant needs of my son, and other obligations, there were two other situations that were constantly on my mind.  Because this blog is not to hurt anyone or to make anyone look bad, I'm going to use fictional names for the people I will be referencing.  First of all, there was Larry.  Larry was and is someone very close to me.  He is someone I truly love and someone I want the best for.  Larry was having several problems--his main problem being drug use.  Larry was addicted to drugs and that addiction was causing several problems for all of those who were close to him.  He lied and stole to meet his needs, and in the process hurt several people.  He never stole from me, but hearing about the ways he hurt others broke my heart.  You see, Larry was a very likable, lovable man that was and is full of great potential.  He started hanging out with the wrong people and got into some very serious drugs.  It was hard to see him making decisions in his life that could potentially cause him to die.  I wanted to believe the things that Larry said, but it was impossible due to his constant lying.  I was very concerned about Larry and I wanted him to get help.  I also prayed that the people he was hurting would be able to forgive him and still love him. 

Finally, his drug issues were confronted and he left for rehab.  I was glad that he was leaving to get the help that he needed, but I was very worried about him.  I prayed that God would do amazing things in his life and deliver him from his addictions.  It was hard not being able to talk to Larry or see Larry to see if he was improving.  I wanted so badly to be there for him, but due to the rules of the rehab center, contact was not allowed.  I would hear updates on him through the few people who were able to contact him.  I prayed that the changes that he claimed he was making were changes that he would stick with once he finished his rehab.  I feared that Larry would get what he needed, but once he returned to the "real world" the temptation would be too much and he would go back to using.  There were several days and nights that I cried and cried about Larry and his life.  I was so scared that if he did not get the help he needed, that he would eventually die.  I could not even stand to think about Larry leaving this earth due to his body craving something that poisoned him.  It's so hard to see someone you love going through something so hard and potentially life-threatening.  This weighed on my mind...and still does as he continues to struggle with drug use and living a sober life.

The other situation was and still is heavy on my heart as well.  A couple that is very close to me, we will call them Jason and Sue, were having a hard time dealing with a decision that I had made.  This decision did not directly affect Jason and Sue, but in a sense, they felt that it affected them and because I did not make the decision that they wanted me to make, they decided to "cut ties" with me.  This hurt very badly.  Being pregnant and expecting your first child is something that you want to share with everyone that you love and that you are close to.  It hurt me badly not to be able to share this with them.  As the days passed by and I was closer to having my baby, I wondered if Jason and Sue would show up for the birth of my child.  This was very important to me.  Eventually the day came, I had Seth, and they never showed.  It hurts me to even write this.  I couldn't believe that they never came.  This event in my life could never be lived over again, and they were not there.  Jason and Sue did not see my son until 3 weeks after he was born and that was only due to me and my husband bringing Seth to an event where they happened to be present.  Their response to my son was not at all what I expected.  They looked at him, said a few things, and that was it.  What a disappointment!  Unfortunately as time has passed, this relationship has not improved, it has actually gotten worse.  It is extremely difficult to venture this journey and to deal with the emotions of loss--because that is what I feel.  I feel that I have lost Jason and Sue in my life.  I feel that they missed out on one of the biggest days of my life and they continue to miss out on Seth growing up and getting older.  It is so hard for me not to be angry and to not get bitter.  I just cannot understand how people can allow their opinions to keep them from being a part of someones life...if they truly love them.  As if my heart wasn't broken enough already, this definitely busted it into more pieces.  I hope that one day we will reconcile and we can be a part of each other's lives. 

These situations in my life have caused me to feel like I've been kicked while I was already down.  I'm already suffering from PPD and everything that comes along with it, and on top of that, I am constantly dealing with the loss of two very close people.  It hurts to sit by and watch Seth grow and to know that they have not been a part of his life.  Because of their feelings about me, they have missed out on my son and the joy that he brings to people.  I definitely need help in dealing with this, so please pray for me.  Pray that I will forgive and not allow these things to continue to hurt me and to cause me to become hard and bitter.  Pray that God will help me to see that he has placed others in my life who have been supportive, and even though it may not be Jason and Sue, there are others who love me and care about me and will be with me through this journey with my son.

The Journey Back to Work

With Seth sleeping through the night (most nights), I was more encouraged to go back to work.  I had feared going back to work while still being up with him off and on throughout the night, but it seemed that there was finally some light at the end of the tunnel!!  While I was very happy about my son sleeping through the night, I was also getting nervous about going back to work.  My job is very stressful and I was very worried that it would add to my depression.  I was somewhat excited at the same time.  I was ready to talk to adults again and to get back into my routine.  I just wasn't sure how my routine was going to be with having to get a baby ready and off to daycare in the morning too. 

As my first day back approached, I started to get everything prepared.  I was thinking of the most effective ways to start my mornings.  I laid out Seth's clothes for the entire week so I would not have to find clothes in the mornings.  I had his diaper bag packed and ready to go.  The day before I went back to work, Seth and I visited the daycare.  I took his diapers, formula, nursery water, wipes, and whatever else he needed so that I wouldn't have to bring them the next morning.  The visit went well.  The daycare employees were very kind and reassuring.  After our visit, we went back home and I spent time with my son as I mapped everything out in my mind.  I tried to prepare myself for the journey that was ahead of me with my job.  I tried to think positively about returning to work and my son going to daycare.

The fateful day arrived.  I woke up around 5:45am and got myself ready in a hurry.  Things went mostly as planned.  I got Seth ready around 6:30am.  His clothes were laid out and ready to go.  I gave him a bottle and before I knew it, we were out the door.  As I drove to the daycare, several thoughts were running through my head.  I thought about how friends had told me about taking their child to daycare for the first couple of weeks and how hard it was.  They talked about how they cried every day after dropping them off.  I was wondering how I was going to react.  We got to the daycare and I talked to the worker for a few minutes and told Seth my "good-byes".  As I walked out of the door, I felt a sense of relief rather than sadness.  This made me upset.  I couldn't believe that I was relieved to drop him off especially to go to work!  I almost started to cry because I was not sad about leaving him.  I got to work and everyone welcomed me back.  They asked how I did that morning and I told them the truth.  They tried to reassure me that everyone feels differently about dropping their kids off at daycare and that it was nothing to worry about.  I still felt horrible.  I truly loved my child, but for some reason, I was always relieved when someone else was caring for him.  I went through  my day trying to get back in the grind of things.  I called and checked on Seth one time and they said he was doing pretty good. 

As the day carried on, I started to have anxiety about whether or not the daycare was going to follow Seth's routine.  I worried that he would be off schedule and not sleep through the night.  My stress and anxiety continued to rise.  I tried to busy myself with reading the over 400 emails in my inbox.  By the end of the day, I couldn't wait to pick up my son because I really wanted to know every detail about his day and his naps.  I went to the daycare and spoke with the worker who informed me that everything went according to schedule and that he was a happy baby.  I agreed and was relieved to hear that he was still on schedule. 

We got home and I was exhausted.  I wondered how working mothers did this every day.  I thought it was going to be impossible.  I worked for one day and already I was exhausted and was worried that I wouldn't make it the rest of the week.  Thankfully I did make it through the rest of the week.  I had a lot of anxiety and worried a lot, but I made it.  As much as I loved my son, I wished that things were back to "normal".  I wanted to go to work, come home, and do what I wanted to do.  I did not want to have to tend to a crying baby who needed constant attention.  I started resenting my son.  I felt like he had taken everything away from me.  Not only did I have anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, I also was having an identity crisis.  I did not feel like myself, nor did I act like myself.  Everything had changed.  Things were just fine, actually wonderful, before my son was born, but now everything was screwed up!  I kept asking myself why I did this.  Why did I have a baby when everything was great before?  I dreaded the months and years ahead of me.  I didn't want to be a mom.  I didn't want to have a baby, and I certainly did not want to go through postpartum depression.  If things weren't hard enough, work started to get even more stressful.  There were countless changes to my job and I was slammed with 11 cases on my first day back.  Nothing about the future, on my job and in my personal life, looked good.  I was thankful to have my job, but I had no idea how I was going to handle everything.

As the weeks passed, I had several ups and downs with my depression.  My coworkers were more than supportive.  They offered to watch my son if needed, and they told me to come to them if I needed anything.  I cannot express how thankful I am for my coworkers.  They have made this whole adjustment much easier.  They have been there for me when I felt like I couldn't do one more thing.  They offered to help as much as possible, and they took lunch breaks with me which really helped relieve some stress!  Although I only told a few of them my entire story, they were there for me and embraced me with open arms. 

Looking back, I'm not sure how I made it through this huge adjustment other than due to the power of prayer.  There must have been several people praying for me because just when I didn't think I could take one more thing, I did.  When I thought I was not going to make it, I did (and still am).  It's amazing how God puts people in your life for a reason.  I thank God for wonderful coworkers who are still helping me through this today.  They have been an instrumental part of my recovery.  Just when I thought things couldn't get worse...they did.  Even with all of the support from my coworkers, my church family, my parents, and my husband, I was still having a very difficult time overcoming the depression and anxiety.  I thought things were looking up, but some significant things happened in my life that caused me to have a downward spiral. 

I cannot imagine anyone going through this without support.  If you know anyone suffering with postpartum depression, please refer them to my blog.  They can also contact me through email (my email address is listed on the blog page).  I would love to be there for someone who is going through this awful disorder.

A Miracle at Two Months!

Another week went by and Seth made the trip to and from Grandma and Grandpa's house for another couple of nights.  Again, it was a welcome relief.  He still did not have his nights and days figured out, but he was sleeping a little bit more at night.  By this point, even with some breaks, I was exhausted.  I was still having anxiety and panic attacks.  The medication had not fully kicked in yet, but it was helping some.  I thought sleep would never come.

One Sunday night when Seth was about 2 months old, I was at a church service.  We were singing the song "Open Up the Sky".  Throughout that song I was praying for help.  I was telling the Lord that I needed strength and I needed rest.  I knew that he had promised me rest and I really wanted it!  I kept singing and praying.  We got to the part of the song where we sang, "We won't be satisfied with anything ordinary; we won't be satisfied at all."  We repeated this part several times.  At that moment, I spoke to God and said, "Lord, I know that this might not be a big deal in comparison to so many other things that are going on in the world, but Lord, PLEASE give me rest.  PLEASE get Seth to sleep at night.  Change his schedule around so that I can get some sleep!"  As I was praying this, I fully believed that God could change Seth around, but I also felt kind of guilty for bringing something so "trivial" before the Lord, but by this time, I didn't care anymore...I just wanted something to work and I knew my God could do this.  I looked over at Seth and he was asleep.  My anxiety rose.  My first thought was, now how is he going to sleep tonight if he sleeps through this entire service?  I focused back in on the worship and I continued to pray.  I honestly have no idea what the sermon was about that evening, but one thing I do know is that the Lord hears our cries and answers even the smallest of requests.  Even though Seth had slept a lot that day and even through most of that evening service, he slept from 10pm to 6am for the very first time!  What a miracle!  The boy had barely slept for more than 3 hours at a time at night and with at least a couple of hours awake in between!  The funny part is, I kept waking up and checking on him thinking that something was wrong because he did not wake up!  At 6am, he was awake, alert, and ready to eat!

What a blessing!  I continued to have anxiety in the evenings due to worrying that this was just a one-time thing and that something would cause Seth to go back to his mixed-up schedule, but he never did.  Of course, he has had nights where he has woken up due to coughing or wanting to eat while going through a growth spurt, but from that night on, he pretty much has slept through the night.  Praise God!

I called my mom that morning to tell her the good news.  I would call her throughout the day and give her updates on his sleep (because I'm sure she really wanted to know, haha)!  I would call her every morning around 8am to tell her whether or not Seth had a good night.  She was always expecting my call.  This was an outlet for me.  It was a way to get rid of some of my anxiety by being reassured that Seth would continue to sleep through the night and that I would continue to make it.  I'm sure I wore my mom out during these crazy days, but she stuck by my side.  She listened, comforted, and encouraged me even if I was driving her crazy with all of my calls (I know that if I was, she would never admit to it anyway!).  I appreciate everything that my mom did and does for me and my family.  I would have never made it through this time in my life if she had not been there for me. 

From this point on, Seth has done well sleeping, but unfortunately, I haven't!  Due to anxiety and stress, I very rarely get a good night's sleep.  I wake up every morning feeling like I slept for 2 hours even if I did sleep for 6 hours.  My doctor and I are trying to get this worked out, and I know that one day it will be worked out for good.  I can't wait until the depression, anxiety, and panic attacks are OVER!!!

The Psychiatrist and a Break

So the days passed and my psychiatric appointment had arrived.  I was very nervous.  I thought that the Psychiatrist was going to look at me and tell me that I was crazy.  Again, I feel like I didn't even resemble myself.  I figured, well, if you can't tell that I need help just by looking at me, then you're probably not that good of a psychiatrist anyway!  I sat out in the waiting room with a slew of other people.  Some were sitting patiently while others were obviously dealing with extreme anxiety.  I played with my phone to pass the time away.  Before my name was called, a younger woman (probably in her early twenties) walked out from her appointment.  She was surprisingly "normal".  She seemed happy and under control.  This gave me hope.  I was thinking, well, maybe she came in here feeling like I do now, and now she seems to be doing much better...that's what I was hoping anyway!  The Psychiatrist called me back and I nervously walked to his office.  He told me to have a seat and he left the room for a few minutes.  I looked around and saw several plants growing, several books on his bookshelf, and an uncluttered desk.  For those of you that know me, this was a sigh of relief...I don't deal with clutter very well!  I sat there feeling like my world was falling apart.  He entered the room and the appointment began.

He asked me what had been going on with me and I filled him in.  I started to cry a couple of times.  I told him that I hadn't felt like myself since before having my baby.  I told him the thoughts that I had been having and the steps I had taken to address these issues.  He talked to me about a few things and was really down to earth.  I really liked that about him.  He didn't treat me like I was some crazy person who had lost my mind or that I was a wimp and should just suck it up.  He told me that this happens frequently and that we would get it figured out.  He changed me to a different anti-depressant and prescribed me an anxiety medication as well.  We addressed my lack of sleep issue and he made sure that the medication wouldn't make it worse.  He told me to get the prescriptions filled, take them daily as prescribed and to see him again in 2 weeks.  He asked me if I was taking any breaks for myself.  I told him that my friend had taken Seth overnight and it was helpful.  He told me that I needed to have someone watch Seth overnight for at least 2 nights per week.  This really hurt!  I didn't want people thinking that I couldn't take care of my own child!  I also had a lot of anxiety about Seth's sleeping and eating schedule, so putting that into someone else's hands seemed like too much to even think about.  He told me that it would help.  He told me that I needed someone to watch him for at least 1 overnight per week, but it would be best if it were two.  I scheduled my next appointment and left.

I got in my car and called my Mom.  I was crying and was very upset.  I was upset that I was now going to be on 2 medications and that I was going to have to see if someone could watch Seth 2 nights per week.  As I spoke with my Mom about all of this, she was very calm and reassuring.  She said that she and my dad could keep Seth overnight and it would not be a problem.  This did ease some of the anxiety because I knew my Mom would try her best to do things as I would do them.  She joked and said that she would work very hard on those 2 nights to see if she could get his days and nights flipped around so that I might actually get some sleep when he was back home.  Thinking about this made me want to send him to her right then!  Just thinking about him sleeping more at night was encouraging!  We worked out a plan and everything was set.

I got my prescriptions filled and began taking my new medications.  A couple of days later, Stuart and I loaded up Seth's overnight things and headed to my Mom's.  I could feel some of my anxiety leave as we drove there.  This made me mad because again, I wanted to feel sad that he was not going to be with me for the next few days, but instead I felt relief.  We got to her house, stayed for a little while and chatted, and then we left.  As we drove away, it was like life was just pouring back into me.  The guilt from these feelings was overwhelming.  I cried to my husband stating that I wished I felt differently.  I cried because I felt that life would never be the same.  I told him that I wanted to be sad to leave Seth, not happy and relieved.  He told me that it was fine and that I needed a break from time to time.  I told him that Seth was only around 5 or 6 weeks old and that most moms do not let anyone have their child overnight until they are much older (if at all possible).  Again, he said that it was fine.  He said that my Mom would take good care of Seth and that I would be able to rest.

We got home, and again, as I entered the house, I saw all of Seth's toys and baby items and I wanted to cry.  I wanted things to go back to normal, but I knew that regardless, this little baby was going to be with us forever.  I tried to put those thoughts out of my head and just try to enjoy this break.  I slept very good that night.  I called my Mom the next morning to check on things and she gave me the updates.  She said that he was up a lot over the night, but that they were working with him on staying up more during the day.  I thanked her and hung up the phone.  I felt so free.  I had the entire day to myself without any worries about the baby and his constant needs.  I jumped in my car and just did whatever I wanted.  It felt so good.  I did call and check on Seth a few times to be sure everything was fine, but then I went on as if he wasn't even here.  As that second day passed, my anxiety started to rise.  Before I went to bed, I called my Mom.  She knew that I was already worried about having to pick him up the next day.  She told me not to worry about it and to just try to get some good sleep.  Boy did I try, but it just didn't happen.  I woke up several times during the night with panic attacks.  I was having the panic attacks because I knew I had to pick Seth up the next day.  Man, what a horrible feeling!  I was actually panicked because I had to pick up my own son the next day.  What kind of mother was I?  Over the course of the night, I woke up several times and then I was up for good around 6am.  I got up and started busily working around the house preparing for Seth's return.  I cried throughout that morning.  I cried because I had to pick him up.  I cried because I was stressed and felt like crap.  I cried because of my thoughts and feelings, and I cried because I was crying about all of this!  What a circle of guilt...it just never ended.

Well, the time came.  My husband and I drove to my Mom's house and picked Seth up.  I was back to my hopeless state where I felt like I was doomed.  On the drive back home, I sat in the back with Seth and just stared at him.  How could such a small, beautiful baby destroy my life?  I came to the conclusion during that drive that I was just not meant to be a mother.  I was not "mom material".  If all of these other mothers could handle having babies and caring for them, then there was obviously something wrong with me and I was just not fit to play this part.  We got home and the cycle continued.  Seth was still sleeping during the day and was up almost all night.  I thought it would never end!

I really thought that I was at my breaking point and that I was going to lose my mind.  Thankfully I had my husband, my parents, my husband's family, and my church family to help me through.  You don't realize how important it is to have a support network until you reach a point where you feel like you can't do anything on your own.  Even after all of these thoughts and horrible feelings, the main thought I had was, I can't wait until next week when my parents take him again.  There were times that I wished that they would just take him for good.  I was ready to give up, but how could I? 

The whole healing process seemed impossible when I kept going through a cycle of guilt that ate me alive.  I heard everyone saying that it would get better and that being a mom is very tiring, but I felt like they had no idea.  They laughed about how babies sometimes have their nights and days mixed up, but to me, this was no joke.  Several people said, "welcome to motherhood!"  Honestly, I just wanted to slap them!  They had no idea--no idea! 

During this time, there were several people who offered to watch Seth for me.  At times, I was ready to hand him over.  I couldn't believe this either considering some of them I didn't even know very well.  Thankfully, I didn't just hand him over, I stuck with it and pressed through.  I tried to be the mother I was supposed to be while feeling completely empty and depressed inside.  I know that God gave me the strength to make it through those dark days.  I kept telling myself that it would soon be over and things would be back to normal.  Little did I know that I was completely wrong.